Next Part of the Journey

Here I am again - not moved much to put pen to paper or any surface at present - my life is really like a mini invasion and I am the occupied territory! Thank God for medical science and for living in the 21st century but...having to be the one on the receiving end of some of this fantastic science is alarming! I began chemotherapy last week - even writing that is just absolutely bizarre. Other people have chemo - not me!

In the past when people would mention that they knew someone having chemo I would just nod and think 'that sounds bloody awful' and then just get on with whatever I was doing: the conversation soon forgotten. Now my own life revolves around medical appointments, nurses coming to my home to give me injections and trying to figure out what I should be eating to get fit and well as soon as is possible. I used to have a lot of privacy now I am an open door. My Mum is living with us for a few months to help out and friends/family call and visit regularly. All the support is appreciated and much needed! BUT I yearn for a day alone. I'm hoping to have one soon once I've sorted out how the chemo is going to treat me during the various parts of the cycle. At the moment it's low white blood cell time so I'm trying to stay in, eat well and not breathe in too many germs!

The best part of all this - yes there is a good part - my cancer was caught and removed before it could spread to anywhere else in my body. The oncologist said - the 'chemo is my insurance policy and my cure.' I love the sound of those words!

Writing in spite off...

I really don't know how I feel about blogging about having cancer - pause here to scream LOUDLY at even writing the word - but here I am. I don't even know where to begin. I've had the surgery - don't feel like going into details and tomorrow go back to get results and find out what happens next. So today is my last day of simply being someone recovering from surgery as I'm pretty sure there is going to be more to come. I will jump and yell if they say 'great - all done, go home and come back and see us in the future.' But I don't think that will happen. I do feel optimistic and I also feel a black hole follows me around and if I'm not careful it'll gleefully swallow me up.

Major achievement for today - I unloaded the dishwasher
Biggest irritation of today - I can't get in the car and drive anywhere...at all

Oh I feel my words are very tame here compared to the whirlwind that has been my life for the past 5 weeks but maybe I'll get braver and bolder or maybe I'll just keep it all in my head and my spotty notebook. Tiny steps and LOTS of good champagne.

Surreal Times

Well unfortunately my biopsy came back positive for breast cancer and tomorrow I begin a journey with surgery. After the shock came the fear and now there is the 'lets get on with it.' I haven't been in hospital since I was 10years old and I'm trying to pack. There are books - lots of books, photos, music, earplugs, food and of course pyjamas that match. I don't think I've owned a pair of these for many years.

In the corner of the room sits a pile of essentials that I may need later. One of the items is a high impact, shock absorbant sports bra. How ironic - 3 days before surgery for breast cancer I am out buying a sports bra - apparently it will 'hold my new bits' together and help them 'settle.'

Hmmmm. Still trying to process that one.

Long time no Blog

Feels a bit strange to be back here after such a long break but here I am. I'm not sure if I'm going to be back blogging regularly or just popping in from time to time. My reason for being here today is purely selfish. A couple of weeks ago I found an anomaly on my body that led me straight to my GP and my life is now changing as a result of that moment. I've been having tests and doing a lot of waiting. It is the waiting that will probably drive me completely insane. I'm not telling family/friends yet as I want to have clear facts on what I'm dealing with and I get those on Thursday - hence the need to blog to just get it out there, to release a bit of stress that is now mounting up in my body.

It's nearly impossible not be completely self obsessed when faced with the uncontrollable when your body just does something without any warning. Maybe it will just be a blip...
The garden is keeping me from totally vanishing into my own head which is not a fun place to be at present. These glorious lilies are filling the patio with a beautiful scent and the flowers on them are so spectacular.

I had a biopsy this morning - the last of the tests - and when I woke up this morning my wonderful, very unscientific husband said to me 'What time is your autopsy today?' Ah yes that really filled me with hope! A little premature I think!

Weddings

Today is our fourth wedding anniversary - hence the piccie of our yummy wedding cake.

The wedding day itself is still fresh in my mind and hopefully always will be. We had a real journey to make it to saying 'I do.' We started our wedding planning with booking a room in a Scottish castle and arranging for two staff to be witnesses - Oh yes - we were eloping!!!! And very excited about it too. But we made the fatal mistake of telling family and friends that's what we were planning. That's when it came unstuck. Shock, Horror - people actually wanted to share the day with us!!!!

We were a bit naive in hindsight thinking we could just mosy off to the highlands of Scotland and enjoy a low key but very romantic wedding...on our own. Plan B - get married in the local registry office and have a nice wedding lunch in the pub across the road from it. We would have about 10 people attending. So we booked all of that and then...Shock Horror...more people wanted to come and were willing to fly half way across the world to do so!!!!

Plan C - We cancelled all of the above and booked a beautiful, intimate country hotel and had a wonderful day celebrating with 25 of our nearest and dearest. Husband and I both agreed it was a glorious way to enter into married life. I hate to think where plan D would have led us to...perhaps a cathedral?????

We were actually grateful in the end that our families recoiled at the eloping idea. My youngest brother gets married in May and he is having the blow out wedding he and his bride to be dearly want. There is a wedding party that runs into double figures and a guest list that grows daily and they both couldn't be happier. I would't mind doing it all over again but this time I'd go straight for Plan C.

Definition of optimism

It is a crazy time weather wise and impossible not to be obsessed with it. In the past 8 days our garden has been covered in snow and flooded (see the pictorial evidence!!)whilst my family in Australia have been surviving the heatwave nestled next to the air con 24hours a day.

I'm guessing our planned gardening session won't be taking place this weekend. We were hoping to build a summer house at the end of the garden in March but I think it would either have to be a treehouse or erected on stilts. My husband has nicknamed it the 'writer's block' in anticipation of my creative bouts down there (well at least that's what I hope he means!!!!)

Hmmm... if this weather mayhem keeps up it may be another season of writing in an armchair from the comfort of the house. I do long for my 'writers block' though...I have even planned for it to have a small verandah which I shall retire too with a refreshing gin and tonic after a long, hard day at the office...

Snowy start to Feb

Well this is a strange sight - it's been snowing now continuously for 5 hours!!! I've never seen that happen in the South of England in the time I've lived here. My cousin arrived from Sydney last week and she left behind a heat wave - to say she is mildly surprised and bemused is an understatement!!!! My husband was meant to fly to Amsterdam this morning but he and his suitcase are still here. It'll be take 2 tomorrow!!!! Off for more coffee - need the warmth and caffeine - my early morning duty today was to stay glued to to the TV whilst checking online and listening to the local radio station for weather/travel news - whilst husband debated his chances of making it to the airport. I'm ready for a nap now!!!!!

Happy News from a writing friend

Firstly how did it get to be the 16th of Jan already? My writing time has reached zero already with the demands of work. This isn't meant to happen so soon. Being a stationary junkie I some how feel part of the problem is that my diary isn't big enough to write everything in and by the time all my work/domestic notes are in there - there is no space to write the all important - WRITING TIME bit. I'm off to Staples soon to resolve that and feel that will help. I really hope it does!!!!!

On a wonderful note my dear friend and fellow writer Marlish Glorie has her first novel coming out in Australia on May 2nd - The Bookshop on Jacaranda Street. This is the cover pic. Marlish is a an extraordinary writer and I know this is going to be loved by anyone who picks it up.

The New Year - Hooray!!!!

It's time to put away the great stash of pressies I was fortunate enough to get over Xmas and my birthday. Yes I'm a Yuletide baby!!! One of my absolute favourites is this bottle of bubbly and delicious choccies I received from one of my favourite people in the whole world. I adore champagne, am a complete chocoholic BUT it came in the most glorious box that was like opening a secret. I love boxes - they hold a fascination and always have. I like what they hold and what they have the potential to hold. I just love the blue satin in this one. I think it may have to be the box that holds the treasures of 2009 - whatever they may be!

It's a great feeling to see 2009 arrive. I know I shouldn't wish my life away - as my grandmother was fond of saying - but I am happy to see 09. We woke up to snow today and freezing temperatures. I was talking to my Mum in Oz as I was watching the snow fall and she was wondering whether or not to crank up her air conditioning as the thermostat soared higher. To say I was jealous is the understatement of the new year thus far!!!!

Blogging drifted into the background of my life in the latter months of 08 and I missed it. One of my new year resolutions is to enjoy it again and make the time. That is probably my overarching resoloution - making time - for people/activities and having time to reflect and be quiet. I found 08 to be a busy year in all areas of my life and I really missed just being silent. My hubby and I did some beautiful walks over the South Downs at Xmas and it was so peaceful and quiet. It really allowed me to catch up with myself. That's a good way to start the year. I don't want myself to be running off again in 09 - I'm going to keep me on a tight reign!!!!

My next resolution is to sit down and ponder what my writing goals for the year are - without them - I won't get anything written. That's not how I want to finish 2009!!!! Not at all. But first I am going to make some dinner (nothing with turkey or anything that comes wrapped in festive colours!!!!!). A nice simple supper of fish and salad - then the moment I have been looking forward to all day. Kirsty and Phil's Relocation Relocation special of looking at how to survive the property down turn. The big question in our house is whether or not to completely rip out our hideous kitchen and start again OR move and let someone else deal with it - we have agreed that this is the year it must be tackled - roll on 2009!!!!!