Blog Break

I'm away for a while so no blogging from me! Back in late Feb.

From my window

From my study window I can see two beautiful swans pottering around the little creek that runs behind our garden fence. It is wild, grey and unpredictable out there today and their 'whiteness' is extraordinary against the sky and the vivid grass. They often cross the road on the other side of the creek and walk up to the front door of the house on the corner. They tap on it and if someone is home they will come out and give them something to eat. There are regular dog walkers who stop and give them a snack as well. The swans are a much loved part of our local community. Sometimes when I'm working away I will notice a build up of traffic on the road - this is unusual as it is very quiet around here - then I see that the swans are either sitting in the middle of it or in the process of crossing it. I'd post a piccie but they're a bit too far away. Trust me - they are beautiful and cheering on a grey day - any day really!

Defnitely Prehistoric

There is a pelican sanctuary just down the beach from the holiday flat we stayed in on the central coast of NSW. Every day at 3:30pm the pelicans get fed and it is amazing. In flight they really look prehistoric. I'd never seen so many before. They were compelling to watch. This piccie cheers me up when I look at it. Not sure why - they look so geeky and robust!

It has been a rough morning - my dad is back in hospital and it wasn't looking good for a while - in between phone calls to my family I began to look at flights to OZ. My stress levels went a bit sky high - he has levelled out a bit now and I'm going to wait 24 hours until I make a decision. I want to go to bed and sleep - I feel so tired but it's more than tired. I feel happier though knowing Dad is comfortable. I know his end is soon and it feels very surreal and sad. I don't really have the words to describe it.

Space versus Clutter

I was looking forward to coming home to my study after being away for nearly seven weeks. I was missing the solitude I have when I'm in there. The hermit in me was pinning for my space. I had remembered my study as a tidy, bright room but the reality is that it's currently a wild room with pesky piles of 'things' everywhere. This morning is my morning to tidy it and claim it back. To get me in the mood for a session with the Mr Sheen I googled writer's rooms and found this fab site http://books.guardian.co.uk/writersrooms. I really like David Lodge's room but think it will take more than a duster to create that one. My big criteria for a writing space is light. From my generous window here to the side of my desk I can see the sky, the south downs, trees and the rain pelting down. It is a great view. The plan is tidy now and settle in to write for the afternoon.

Broody Day

This is the view from a beachside flat we rented for a while in Oz over xmas. It was a fab location for staring out to sea and we had quite a few tropical storms whilst we were there - this is the sky gearing up to deliver a hell of a downpower. I love being by the beach when the weather is like this - all very moody. Just like today! Perfect writing weather!

Hope

I've been wrestling with something the past few days and I don't want to dwell on it too much as I think I have resolved it a little. I've been thinking about my dad and his cancer and the past few days it has been a dead weight in my chest that nothing can shake. I was immobilised by it. I couldn't shake myself out of my grief. This is a new feeling - since his terminal diagnosis 3 months ago I have run the gauntlet of feelings but this was a new one. I figured out what it is - lack of hope.

I realised that for the first time in my life there was something important and life changing happening that was finite. There was no hope. This made me feel so bleak. Then I spoke to my dad today and even though he sounds weary and ill we still chatted about the weather - hot for him in Oz - chilly here for me. Then I realised that as long as he is still living there is always hope. Not hope for a miracle cure but just hope that he still has time to enjoy life - even in a scaled down way - even just telling me how lovely it was to sit in the garden and do the crossword. As long as he still has moments of happiness then there is hope.

Dream Time

This is the Hawksbury River on the central coast of NSW. It is so tranquil here and my friend drove me to this spot to show me a very ordinary house with an extraordinary view from its garden - this is the view. Two elderly sisters live there and have done so for about 50 years. Their garden is huge and we fantasised about building a secret log cabin at the bottom of the garden to go and write in. They would probably never notice as they have so much land. The silence here is incredible - just the sound of birds at sunrise and sunset. Bliss.
You have to dream!