Changing Breaths & Caffeine

I wasn't going to blog today: I wasn't ever going to blog again. I couldn't see why I would discuss my health in a public space. Then I remembered why writing is both a torment and a pleasure. It may be narcissistic to write openly about yourself or it may be therapeutic or it may be part of a inane need to simply write - about anything: everything, the mundane, the devastating. I recently did a short course on relaxation and the one thing I really took away from it was the power of something called a 'changing breath.' It is when you take 3 deep breaths with the aim of moving from your current emotional state to a new one; it was all about letting go. Writing also fulfils that need for me.

I was feeling pissed off and angry earlier about having cancer: about having to go for yet another bout of treatment, to sit in another waiting room, to have my 'real' life on hold whilst I live this shadow existence but I knew that if I blogged about I could use that as my 'changing breath.' I knew it would make me feel better, lift the darkness and restore me to feeling pretty good again. I could have put all this in my journal so maybe it does come back to narcissism or maybe it is a hope that someone will read it and comment to simply say they 'heard' me.

The thing I know about myself is that I can be restored by a simple gesture, a word, an acknowledgement. When I feel in this mood I rarely pick up the phone and ring anyone close to say what I'm saying here - I will probably recall it and share it at some point but I go into a kind of emotional lock down. Not always but today I have. I shed a healthy amount of tears with my husband earlier as I chopped the fruit salad for breakfast, reached for my peppermint tea (whilst fantasising about coffee) and put a dollop of natural soy yogurt on my fruit. I feel better for the tears. I also know that I am actually just knackered and want a day free of medical intervention. I also know that I appreciate the medical intervention for saving my life. I know a lot about the whole experience of cancer.

What I really want is to stay in my PJs, watch frivolous TV and order pizza for lunch! What I will do is get ready, drive to the hospital, have my treatment. I don't think I'm feeling sorry for myself - just think I'm a bit weary. I think what I will also do is go and buy a great latte en route. The changing breaths I will do after this, the blogging, and the caffeine will all help restore me. I love my life, I love living: it's just really hard work somedays having treatment for cancer. I'm not this conscious about it everyday - if I was I think I'd have gone insane somewhere over the past nine months. Maybe it is because I can see the end of treatment is approaching and maybe I'm scared of that as well. Somewhere inside me a tiny voice tells me that if I'm actively being treated it won't come back.

When I finish here I am going to ring a friend and meet her for lunch afterwards. A few deep breaths, some writing, tears, caffeine and talking to a friend - that'll do the trick.

Cancer...where to begin

Having a cancer diagnosis was a terrifying and immobilising experience for me as I imagine it is for many people. The amount of new information I have had to digest and then reinterpret at a later date once my hysterics had settled, is enough to write a compact medical book. I feel just as entitled as any doctor or nurse to use terms that were alien to me but are now part of my vocabulary.

I don't know where to begin with this 'story' so I'm just going to let it tumble it out naturally in it's own style. I will unpick it in a non-linear, ad-hoc manner in the hope that I can make some sense of it and lay parts of it to rest. Nine months past diagnosis I realise clearly that cancer will always be part of me - not necessarily in a literal physical sense - it has simply become another intrinsic aspect of what makes me who I am.

This week I started radiotherapy. This means that I need to drive to a hospital one hour away 5 days a week for three weeks, lay semi naked on a cold metal bed whilst scary, sci-fi like machines hum and click over me dispensing radiation. I'm so glad my husband and I went to the information evening beforehand and had a tour of the department. It was the first time in my life that I ever paid attention whilst someone talked physics!

It is surreal to sit in a waiting room with strangers, knowing that cancer links us. It doesn't discriminate - the room is filled with a cross section of the population. Some people come alone for treatment, other's bring back-up in the form of a spouse, friend, sibling, adult child. Yesterday I watched a youngish woman tenderly adjust the crumpled clothing of her husband who had just come out of a treatment room. He was frail and her love for him overwhelmed me and reminded me how lucky I am to have had love and care to help me through this. This week my husband came to the hospital with me twice, a friend came once and I went alone twice. Part of my plan to start reclaiming some independence is to do things on my own. This is important to me.

I have spent so many hours/days having hospital treatment in the past nine months that I see this environment as 'normal' - I long for it to feel alien again, because that means I have been cured and released from this protective custody. As a writer I realise that by writing about my experience I am reinventing myself in a story: I am creating my cancer survival narrative.

Survival is one of my new favourite words.

I'm back and it's Spring!

I was going to title this posting Baby Steps but that is not actually how I'm feeling at all. It's been a long time since I've been here and a lot has happened. Being treated for breast cancer has been exhausting, invasive, relentless...and a great relief that I can be treated - with a prognosis that is hopefully going to see me still blogging in my 90s! So baby steps would suggest that I am feeling tentative and hesitant about being back but I'm feeling feisty, enthusiastic and eager to get going again with writing and living. The past 8 months have been lived in a very protective cocoon and I'm ready to shed a few layers of that protective skin and taste the delights of the wider world again. I have a plan for my writing and I'm going to blog more about that and I also have a plan for my recovery from my BC. The two are entwined! It's good to be back!

Next Part of the Journey

Here I am again - not moved much to put pen to paper or any surface at present - my life is really like a mini invasion and I am the occupied territory! Thank God for medical science and for living in the 21st century but...having to be the one on the receiving end of some of this fantastic science is alarming! I began chemotherapy last week - even writing that is just absolutely bizarre. Other people have chemo - not me!

In the past when people would mention that they knew someone having chemo I would just nod and think 'that sounds bloody awful' and then just get on with whatever I was doing: the conversation soon forgotten. Now my own life revolves around medical appointments, nurses coming to my home to give me injections and trying to figure out what I should be eating to get fit and well as soon as is possible. I used to have a lot of privacy now I am an open door. My Mum is living with us for a few months to help out and friends/family call and visit regularly. All the support is appreciated and much needed! BUT I yearn for a day alone. I'm hoping to have one soon once I've sorted out how the chemo is going to treat me during the various parts of the cycle. At the moment it's low white blood cell time so I'm trying to stay in, eat well and not breathe in too many germs!

The best part of all this - yes there is a good part - my cancer was caught and removed before it could spread to anywhere else in my body. The oncologist said - the 'chemo is my insurance policy and my cure.' I love the sound of those words!

Writing in spite off...

I really don't know how I feel about blogging about having cancer - pause here to scream LOUDLY at even writing the word - but here I am. I don't even know where to begin. I've had the surgery - don't feel like going into details and tomorrow go back to get results and find out what happens next. So today is my last day of simply being someone recovering from surgery as I'm pretty sure there is going to be more to come. I will jump and yell if they say 'great - all done, go home and come back and see us in the future.' But I don't think that will happen. I do feel optimistic and I also feel a black hole follows me around and if I'm not careful it'll gleefully swallow me up.

Major achievement for today - I unloaded the dishwasher
Biggest irritation of today - I can't get in the car and drive anywhere...at all

Oh I feel my words are very tame here compared to the whirlwind that has been my life for the past 5 weeks but maybe I'll get braver and bolder or maybe I'll just keep it all in my head and my spotty notebook. Tiny steps and LOTS of good champagne.

Surreal Times

Well unfortunately my biopsy came back positive for breast cancer and tomorrow I begin a journey with surgery. After the shock came the fear and now there is the 'lets get on with it.' I haven't been in hospital since I was 10years old and I'm trying to pack. There are books - lots of books, photos, music, earplugs, food and of course pyjamas that match. I don't think I've owned a pair of these for many years.

In the corner of the room sits a pile of essentials that I may need later. One of the items is a high impact, shock absorbant sports bra. How ironic - 3 days before surgery for breast cancer I am out buying a sports bra - apparently it will 'hold my new bits' together and help them 'settle.'

Hmmmm. Still trying to process that one.

Long time no Blog

Feels a bit strange to be back here after such a long break but here I am. I'm not sure if I'm going to be back blogging regularly or just popping in from time to time. My reason for being here today is purely selfish. A couple of weeks ago I found an anomaly on my body that led me straight to my GP and my life is now changing as a result of that moment. I've been having tests and doing a lot of waiting. It is the waiting that will probably drive me completely insane. I'm not telling family/friends yet as I want to have clear facts on what I'm dealing with and I get those on Thursday - hence the need to blog to just get it out there, to release a bit of stress that is now mounting up in my body.

It's nearly impossible not be completely self obsessed when faced with the uncontrollable when your body just does something without any warning. Maybe it will just be a blip...
The garden is keeping me from totally vanishing into my own head which is not a fun place to be at present. These glorious lilies are filling the patio with a beautiful scent and the flowers on them are so spectacular.

I had a biopsy this morning - the last of the tests - and when I woke up this morning my wonderful, very unscientific husband said to me 'What time is your autopsy today?' Ah yes that really filled me with hope! A little premature I think!