I've been wrestling with something the past few days and I don't want to dwell on it too much as I think I have resolved it a little. I've been thinking about my dad and his cancer and the past few days it has been a dead weight in my chest that nothing can shake. I was immobilised by it. I couldn't shake myself out of my grief. This is a new feeling - since his terminal diagnosis 3 months ago I have run the gauntlet of feelings but this was a new one. I figured out what it is - lack of hope.
I realised that for the first time in my life there was something important and life changing happening that was finite. There was no hope. This made me feel so bleak. Then I spoke to my dad today and even though he sounds weary and ill we still chatted about the weather - hot for him in Oz - chilly here for me. Then I realised that as long as he is still living there is always hope. Not hope for a miracle cure but just hope that he still has time to enjoy life - even in a scaled down way - even just telling me how lovely it was to sit in the garden and do the crossword. As long as he still has moments of happiness then there is hope.
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Frangipanis
About Me
I'm an Australian writer living in the UK. I have completed one unpublished novel and am about to start a second one. I have been writing for many years as a journalist and playwright. This blog is about my writing process, surviving cancer and anything else that pops into my thoughts with enough force to warrant an appearance here.
Novel Racers
- A.Writer
- B.E Sanderson
- Being Lucy Diamond
- Bernadine Kennedy
- Cally
- Caroline Smailes
- China Blue
- Chris H
- Dave Hill
- David (DOT)
- Ellie
- Helen
- Hera
- Jane Henry
- Jay
- Jen at Spiral Skies
- JJ
- Judy Merrill Larsen
- Kate Kingsley
- Kate W
- Kevin
- Lawmummy
- Lesley
- Lisa
- Liz Fenwick
- Maht
- Nichola
- Peg
- Rachel Green
- Rowan Coleman
- Saoirse
- Sarah
- Sarah
- Sheepish
- Victoria
- Wordgirl's Work in Progress
- Zinnia
5 comments:
"If it were not for hopes, the heart would break."
Thomas Fuller (1608-1661)
I don't even know what else to say, except that I was touched by your post.
Thanks Karen - what a lovely quote - thank you for putting it my way.
That dead weight of grief, I recognise that, only I get it in my stomach, not my chest. Grief is such a roller-coaster and all you can do is go with it, feel what you need to feel, do what you need to do. Don't let anyone, inside your head or out, tell you that you 'should' be doing X or you 'ought not to' be doing Y, it's what feels right or necessary to you that counts.
Zinnia is absolutely right. There is no right or wrong way of doing things.
I think your assertion that 'as long as he still has moments of happiness then there is hope' is very inspiring to others in a similar situation as you.
Just happened across your post and thought I'd leave a message to say I totally empathise having been through this with both my parents. All you can do is let them know you love them.
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