NoviceNovelist

Closure

2010-05-13T15:27:00.002Z

I finished Radiotherapy this week. That is the end of my invasive, regular medical treatment. When I go for hospital appointments in the future I will have to pay for parking like most other people. I no longer have the 'special' cancer patient car pass. That is a good feeling. It has been an odd few days. A fresh wave of grief hit me and I felt pissed off and furious at having cancer. It is so indeterminate and raises so many questions - the most crucial being - has it really gone?

I saw the oncologist today and had a good cry in his office. It was very cathartic - almost a rite of passage. It has been a tough nine months and I feel that I can finally let go a little. I don't need to keep it together - in fact - I needed to let go a lot. It takes huge amounts of emotional and physical energy to go through the shock of diagnosis, surgery, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. I wanted to keep it together and be positive but in crying today in front of the Onc - I also knew I had to let it go. I had to grieve for the loss of many things - not just the physical. The most important being mental and emotional peace. It is exhausting being consumed with anxiety about your own mortality. Before cancer I would have moments of being conscious of it but they would flit past. With cancer it has consumed me at times to the expense of all else.

Now it's time to move past that. I'm here. As far as the oncologist can tell I'm cured. There is a moderate risk that it could come back but I am certainly not going to live my life with that as my consuming obsession. I am going to put some of that energy into living my life well and with gusto. Life is finite - for everyone - it was crappy to have that suddenly become concrete. Now it's time to get beyond that, to claim back some naivete around it. To have some peace of mind.

Baldness

2010-05-06T14:33:00.002Z

This gorgeous peacock resided outside a converted barn I stayed in recently. He got me thinking about my hair - or lack of it. I used to have quite a healthy head of shoulder length hair and I've had long hair all my life. Chemo claimed it and left me completely bald. It started to clump together after the first session and come out in small handfuls. About 10 days after the first session it was lying on the pillow when I woke up. I decided to take control and enlisted my Mum to give me a crop which I quite liked! Then my husband finished me off with his razor. I stayed bald for 5months and wore a wig. I quite liked the wig to begin with but now I just want my own head of hair back.

It is growing - slowly - and has gone from fluffy to a Mohican type style - tufts down the middle of my head which stick up and then various other sticky out bits over the rest of my head. I'm waiting for the day when I look in the mirror and can go 'yeah today's the day.' Then I'm going to ditch the wig and go free. It is a nondescript colour at present so quite excited to see what I'll end up with. I also lost my eyebrows and eyelashes but eyebrows have come back very 1980s - dark and bushy! Eyelashes are giving it a good shot but rather feathery at present - at least they are coming back. I looked at a photo the other day taken in the middle of chemo it gave me a real shock to see myself so hairless. Of course the hairs on my legs are rampaging! I look forward to feeling like this peacock - out there strutting my feathers!

Fairy God Mother Wanted

2010-05-05T08:29:00.002Z

Radiotherapy is wearing me out. I want it to be over NOW. I thought I was doing pretty good with it but now I am so weary I can't remember what it feels like not to be knackered. I have a bright red rash on my chest that barely cools down even with an ice pack on it. I have random, fleeting aches throughout my body which force my imagination into overdrive. Don't think there are any body parts that I haven't self diagnosed with cancer in the past 24hrs. Every twinge is something sinister. I hate this bit of having cancer more than anything else. If I was a squillionaire I would buy every diagnostic bit of machinery on the market and hop into one every time I felt a twinge. Anything for peace of mind. When my body gets weary and my mind follows - that's it - I need one of them to be working well to keep me going. I try and hang onto the thought that very soon I will not be having invasive treatment and each day takes me further away from cancer. It's just a hard slog at the moment. I'd like a fairy godmother with a wand to fix it today.

Amuse-Bouche

2010-04-30T14:17:00.001Z

If you read my post from yesterday you'd know it was a BAD day. I'm happy to say that today is a GREAT day. My favourite saying in the whole world is 'this too shall come to pass,' it never fails to give me hope on a bad day. I had lunch with two wonderful friends yesterday who cheered me up so much. Today there was no queue for the hospital car park and no queue to have my treatment - amazing! A great way to finish the week. I now only have 6 radiotherapy treatments to go - hooray!!!!!!!! AND it is a long weekend.

I also learnt something new that has been bugging me. I don't speak French and had dinner at a great restaurant recently where a tiny, delicious morsel was presented in between courses and the waitress said something that sounded like 'Fe fe be.' Totally baffled I ate it, loved it and wondered what it was. The mystery was solved by a friend who does speak French - it was the 'amuse-bouche' the delicacy to 'amuse the mouth.' I love that!

I took this picture on a recent weekend away - I love the idea of open doors - they hold so much promise.

Changing Breaths & Caffeine

2010-04-29T09:18:00.003Z

I wasn't going to blog today: I wasn't ever going to blog again. I couldn't see why I would discuss my health in a public space. Then I remembered why writing is both a torment and a pleasure. It may be narcissistic to write openly about yourself or it may be therapeutic or it may be part of a inane need to simply write - about anything: everything, the mundane, the devastating. I recently did a short course on relaxation and the one thing I really took away from it was the power of something called a 'changing breath.' It is when you take 3 deep breaths with the aim of moving from your current emotional state to a new one; it was all about letting go. Writing also fulfils that need for me.

I was feeling pissed off and angry earlier about having cancer: about having to go for yet another bout of treatment, to sit in another waiting room, to have my 'real' life on hold whilst I live this shadow existence but I knew that if I blogged about I could use that as my 'changing breath.' I knew it would make me feel better, lift the darkness and restore me to feeling pretty good again. I could have put all this in my journal so maybe it does come back to narcissism or maybe it is a hope that someone will read it and comment to simply say they 'heard' me.

The thing I know about myself is that I can be restored by a simple gesture, a word, an acknowledgement. When I feel in this mood I rarely pick up the phone and ring anyone close to say what I'm saying here - I will probably recall it and share it at some point but I go into a kind of emotional lock down. Not always but today I have. I shed a healthy amount of tears with my husband earlier as I chopped the fruit salad for breakfast, reached for my peppermint tea (whilst fantasising about coffee) and put a dollop of natural soy yogurt on my fruit. I feel better for the tears. I also know that I am actually just knackered and want a day free of medical intervention. I also know that I appreciate the medical intervention for saving my life. I know a lot about the whole experience of cancer.

What I really want is to stay in my PJs, watch frivolous TV and order pizza for lunch! What I will do is get ready, drive to the hospital, have my treatment. I don't think I'm feeling sorry for myself - just think I'm a bit weary. I think what I will also do is go and buy a great latte en route. The changing breaths I will do after this, the blogging, and the caffeine will all help restore me. I love my life, I love living: it's just really hard work somedays having treatment for cancer. I'm not this conscious about it everyday - if I was I think I'd have gone insane somewhere over the past nine months. Maybe it is because I can see the end of treatment is approaching and maybe I'm scared of that as well. Somewhere inside me a tiny voice tells me that if I'm actively being treated it won't come back.

When I finish here I am going to ring a friend and meet her for lunch afterwards. A few deep breaths, some writing, tears, caffeine and talking to a friend - that'll do the trick.

Cancer...where to begin

2010-04-23T15:10:00.002Z

Having a cancer diagnosis was a terrifying and immobilising experience for me as I imagine it is for many people. The amount of new information I have had to digest and then reinterpret at a later date once my hysterics had settled, is enough to write a compact medical book. I feel just as entitled as any doctor or nurse to use terms that were alien to me but are now part of my vocabulary.

I don't know where to begin with this 'story' so I'm just going to let it tumble it out naturally in it's own style. I will unpick it in a non-linear, ad-hoc manner in the hope that I can make some sense of it and lay parts of it to rest. Nine months past diagnosis I realise clearly that cancer will always be part of me - not necessarily in a literal physical sense - it has simply become another intrinsic aspect of what makes me who I am.

This week I started radiotherapy. This means that I need to drive to a hospital one hour away 5 days a week for three weeks, lay semi naked on a cold metal bed whilst scary, sci-fi like machines hum and click over me dispensing radiation. I'm so glad my husband and I went to the information evening beforehand and had a tour of the department. It was the first time in my life that I ever paid attention whilst someone talked physics!

It is surreal to sit in a waiting room with strangers, knowing that cancer links us. It doesn't discriminate - the room is filled with a cross section of the population. Some people come alone for treatment, other's bring back-up in the form of a spouse, friend, sibling, adult child. Yesterday I watched a youngish woman tenderly adjust the crumpled clothing of her husband who had just come out of a treatment room. He was frail and her love for him overwhelmed me and reminded me how lucky I am to have had love and care to help me through this. This week my husband came to the hospital with me twice, a friend came once and I went alone twice. Part of my plan to start reclaiming some independence is to do things on my own. This is important to me.

I have spent so many hours/days having hospital treatment in the past nine months that I see this environment as 'normal' - I long for it to feel alien again, because that means I have been cured and released from this protective custody. As a writer I realise that by writing about my experience I am reinventing myself in a story: I am creating my cancer survival narrative.

Survival is one of my new favourite words.

I'm back and it's Spring!

2010-04-14T16:35:00.003Z

I was going to title this posting Baby Steps but that is not actually how I'm feeling at all. It's been a long time since I've been here and a lot has happened. Being treated for breast cancer has been exhausting, invasive, relentless...and a great relief that I can be treated - with a prognosis that is hopefully going to see me still blogging in my 90s! So baby steps would suggest that I am feeling tentative and hesitant about being back but I'm feeling feisty, enthusiastic and eager to get going again with writing and living. The past 8 months have been lived in a very protective cocoon and I'm ready to shed a few layers of that protective skin and taste the delights of the wider world again. I have a plan for my writing and I'm going to blog more about that and I also have a plan for my recovery from my BC. The two are entwined! It's good to be back!

Next Part of the Journey

2009-10-06T14:26:00.003Z

Here I am again - not moved much to put pen to paper or any surface at present - my life is really like a mini invasion and I am the occupied territory! Thank God for medical science and for living in the 21st century but...having to be the one on the receiving end of some of this fantastic science is alarming! I began chemotherapy last week - even writing that is just absolutely bizarre. Other people have chemo - not me!

In the past when people would mention that they knew someone having chemo I would just nod and think 'that sounds bloody awful' and then just get on with whatever I was doing: the conversation soon forgotten. Now my own life revolves around medical appointments, nurses coming to my home to give me injections and trying to figure out what I should be eating to get fit and well as soon as is possible. I used to have a lot of privacy now I am an open door. My Mum is living with us for a few months to help out and friends/family call and visit regularly. All the support is appreciated and much needed! BUT I yearn for a day alone. I'm hoping to have one soon once I've sorted out how the chemo is going to treat me during the various parts of the cycle. At the moment it's low white blood cell time so I'm trying to stay in, eat well and not breathe in too many germs!

The best part of all this - yes there is a good part - my cancer was caught and removed before it could spread to anywhere else in my body. The oncologist said - the 'chemo is my insurance policy and my cure.' I love the sound of those words!

Writing in spite off...

2009-08-24T11:36:00.002Z

I really don't know how I feel about blogging about having cancer - pause here to scream LOUDLY at even writing the word - but here I am. I don't even know where to begin. I've had the surgery - don't feel like going into details and tomorrow go back to get results and find out what happens next. So today is my last day of simply being someone recovering from surgery as I'm pretty sure there is going to be more to come. I will jump and yell if they say 'great - all done, go home and come back and see us in the future.' But I don't think that will happen. I do feel optimistic and I also feel a black hole follows me around and if I'm not careful it'll gleefully swallow me up.

Major achievement for today - I unloaded the dishwasher
Biggest irritation of today - I can't get in the car and drive anywhere...at all

Oh I feel my words are very tame here compared to the whirlwind that has been my life for the past 5 weeks but maybe I'll get braver and bolder or maybe I'll just keep it all in my head and my spotty notebook. Tiny steps and LOTS of good champagne.

Surreal Times

2009-08-04T18:49:00.002Z

Well unfortunately my biopsy came back positive for breast cancer and tomorrow I begin a journey with surgery. After the shock came the fear and now there is the 'lets get on with it.' I haven't been in hospital since I was 10years old and I'm trying to pack. There are books - lots of books, photos, music, earplugs, food and of course pyjamas that match. I don't think I've owned a pair of these for many years.

In the corner of the room sits a pile of essentials that I may need later. One of the items is a high impact, shock absorbant sports bra. How ironic - 3 days before surgery for breast cancer I am out buying a sports bra - apparently it will 'hold my new bits' together and help them 'settle.'

Hmmmm. Still trying to process that one.

Long time no Blog

2009-07-20T13:38:00.003Z

Feels a bit strange to be back here after such a long break but here I am. I'm not sure if I'm going to be back blogging regularly or just popping in from time to time. My reason for being here today is purely selfish. A couple of weeks ago I found an anomaly on my body that led me straight to my GP and my life is now changing as a result of that moment. I've been having tests and doing a lot of waiting. It is the waiting that will probably drive me completely insane. I'm not telling family/friends yet as I want to have clear facts on what I'm dealing with and I get those on Thursday - hence the need to blog to just get it out there, to release a bit of stress that is now mounting up in my body.

It's nearly impossible not be completely self obsessed when faced with the uncontrollable when your body just does something without any warning. Maybe it will just be a blip...
The garden is keeping me from totally vanishing into my own head which is not a fun place to be at present. These glorious lilies are filling the patio with a beautiful scent and the flowers on them are so spectacular.

I had a biopsy this morning - the last of the tests - and when I woke up this morning my wonderful, very unscientific husband said to me 'What time is your autopsy today?' Ah yes that really filled me with hope! A little premature I think!

Weddings

2009-02-18T10:14:00.002Z

Today is our fourth wedding anniversary - hence the piccie of our yummy wedding cake.

The wedding day itself is still fresh in my mind and hopefully always will be. We had a real journey to make it to saying 'I do.' We started our wedding planning with booking a room in a Scottish castle and arranging for two staff to be witnesses - Oh yes - we were eloping!!!! And very excited about it too. But we made the fatal mistake of telling family and friends that's what we were planning. That's when it came unstuck. Shock, Horror - people actually wanted to share the day with us!!!!

We were a bit naive in hindsight thinking we could just mosy off to the highlands of Scotland and enjoy a low key but very romantic wedding...on our own. Plan B - get married in the local registry office and have a nice wedding lunch in the pub across the road from it. We would have about 10 people attending. So we booked all of that and then...Shock Horror...more people wanted to come and were willing to fly half way across the world to do so!!!!

Plan C - We cancelled all of the above and booked a beautiful, intimate country hotel and had a wonderful day celebrating with 25 of our nearest and dearest. Husband and I both agreed it was a glorious way to enter into married life. I hate to think where plan D would have led us to...perhaps a cathedral?????

We were actually grateful in the end that our families recoiled at the eloping idea. My youngest brother gets married in May and he is having the blow out wedding he and his bride to be dearly want. There is a wedding party that runs into double figures and a guest list that grows daily and they both couldn't be happier. I would't mind doing it all over again but this time I'd go straight for Plan C.

Definition of optimism

2009-02-11T14:59:00.005Z

It is a crazy time weather wise and impossible not to be obsessed with it. In the past 8 days our garden has been covered in snow and flooded (see the pictorial evidence!!)whilst my family in Australia have been surviving the heatwave nestled next to the air con 24hours a day.

I'm guessing our planned gardening session won't be taking place this weekend. We were hoping to build a summer house at the end of the garden in March but I think it would either have to be a treehouse or erected on stilts. My husband has nicknamed it the 'writer's block' in anticipation of my creative bouts down there (well at least that's what I hope he means!!!!)

Hmmm... if this weather mayhem keeps up it may be another season of writing in an armchair from the comfort of the house. I do long for my 'writers block' though...I have even planned for it to have a small verandah which I shall retire too with a refreshing gin and tonic after a long, hard day at the office...

Snowy start to Feb

2009-02-02T14:22:00.002Z

Well this is a strange sight - it's been snowing now continuously for 5 hours!!! I've never seen that happen in the South of England in the time I've lived here. My cousin arrived from Sydney last week and she left behind a heat wave - to say she is mildly surprised and bemused is an understatement!!!! My husband was meant to fly to Amsterdam this morning but he and his suitcase are still here. It'll be take 2 tomorrow!!!! Off for more coffee - need the warmth and caffeine - my early morning duty today was to stay glued to to the TV whilst checking online and listening to the local radio station for weather/travel news - whilst husband debated his chances of making it to the airport. I'm ready for a nap now!!!!!

Happy News from a writing friend

2009-01-16T11:46:00.003Z

Firstly how did it get to be the 16th of Jan already? My writing time has reached zero already with the demands of work. This isn't meant to happen so soon. Being a stationary junkie I some how feel part of the problem is that my diary isn't big enough to write everything in and by the time all my work/domestic notes are in there - there is no space to write the all important - WRITING TIME bit. I'm off to Staples soon to resolve that and feel that will help. I really hope it does!!!!!

On a wonderful note my dear friend and fellow writer Marlish Glorie has her first novel coming out in Australia on May 2nd - The Bookshop on Jacaranda Street. This is the cover pic. Marlish is a an extraordinary writer and I know this is going to be loved by anyone who picks it up.

The New Year - Hooray!!!!

2009-01-05T17:14:00.003Z

It's time to put away the great stash of pressies I was fortunate enough to get over Xmas and my birthday. Yes I'm a Yuletide baby!!! One of my absolute favourites is this bottle of bubbly and delicious choccies I received from one of my favourite people in the whole world. I adore champagne, am a complete chocoholic BUT it came in the most glorious box that was like opening a secret. I love boxes - they hold a fascination and always have. I like what they hold and what they have the potential to hold. I just love the blue satin in this one. I think it may have to be the box that holds the treasures of 2009 - whatever they may be!

It's a great feeling to see 2009 arrive. I know I shouldn't wish my life away - as my grandmother was fond of saying - but I am happy to see 09. We woke up to snow today and freezing temperatures. I was talking to my Mum in Oz as I was watching the snow fall and she was wondering whether or not to crank up her air conditioning as the thermostat soared higher. To say I was jealous is the understatement of the new year thus far!!!!

Blogging drifted into the background of my life in the latter months of 08 and I missed it. One of my new year resolutions is to enjoy it again and make the time. That is probably my overarching resoloution - making time - for people/activities and having time to reflect and be quiet. I found 08 to be a busy year in all areas of my life and I really missed just being silent. My hubby and I did some beautiful walks over the South Downs at Xmas and it was so peaceful and quiet. It really allowed me to catch up with myself. That's a good way to start the year. I don't want myself to be running off again in 09 - I'm going to keep me on a tight reign!!!!

My next resolution is to sit down and ponder what my writing goals for the year are - without them - I won't get anything written. That's not how I want to finish 2009!!!! Not at all. But first I am going to make some dinner (nothing with turkey or anything that comes wrapped in festive colours!!!!!). A nice simple supper of fish and salad - then the moment I have been looking forward to all day. Kirsty and Phil's Relocation Relocation special of looking at how to survive the property down turn. The big question in our house is whether or not to completely rip out our hideous kitchen and start again OR move and let someone else deal with it - we have agreed that this is the year it must be tackled - roll on 2009!!!!!

Cumbria...sigh

2008-10-01T13:35:00.004Z

Until a week ago I thought no landscape could compete with the highlands of Scotland or the West coast of Ireland in my affections: then I spent a week in the Lakes district. It absolutely captivated me. The landscape is stunningly beautiful and seeps into your soul.

We stayed in a gorgeous cottage that couldn't have been more perfect if we'd created it for ourselves out of thin air. I have always been a big fan of hotels where someone looks after your every need. I'm now a convertee to self catering - but only in perfect cottages in tiny villages surrounded by mountains and with a good pub within staggering distance!

Bliss...

Domestic Try hard

2008-09-17T10:16:00.002Z

I'm not much of a domestic goddess - I'm more of a 'tries hard but could do better,' then I go off the idea completely until I walk through a cobweb or something hideous like that. I then attack with the Mister Sheen as though I was Arnie waving an Ouzie around. One thing I have perfected though is the BEST chocolate cake in the whole world. You will see from the photo that its never going to earn a spot in a cake shop window but it is DELICIOUS. It comes from an Aussie cook book and there is a little comment from the writer's next to the recipe that says 'this is the best chocolate cake ever.' How could I resist? I've made it several times over the past couple of years and it is the lightest, yummiest cake. It has vinegar in it which sounds bizarre to me and I've no idea what the vinegar does but it works!

getting organised

2008-09-12T09:27:00.004Z

I think I used to think I was organised - now I'm not so sure. I've been trying to drum up September energy - you know the kind - new term, end of summer, winter on the way. It always feels like a good time to examine where I'm at and what my goals are. I'm a bit stumped at the planning stage. Do I want a big white board on the wall with daily lists? Do I want discreet notes in a beautiful secret notebook where I allow my deepest dreams to rest? Or do I simply need to read a hard core 'getting on with your life book'. Think I'm in the midst of a mid life crisis.

I can't decide if I'm over the kinds of self help that say 'follow your heart and the cash will follow' or if I need to stop being so cynical and leap from my comfort zone without a bunjee rope and have some faith. I've ordered Twyla Tharps book on creativity from Amazon to see if it can give me a kick start. I may go out and peruse white boards, or buy a fresh notebook...

Off on a break

2008-09-05T09:50:00.000Z

On a blogging break for the next week due to work commitments - back soon!

On my mind

2008-09-02T09:56:00.004Z

I Know we talk about this over on the novel racers website from time to time and it's playing on my mind at the moment. I work full time in a 'sensible' job and over the last year the idea has ben prying on me that I'd love to cut down my hours and write more. I'm wondering how I move from 'loving' the idea in a romantic sense to making it a practical life change that I can live with. I used to think that I had to prove myself by writing more (which I've done) and making some money from fiction (which I haven't done) - then and only then could I justify it.

I have no answers at present - just pondering!

Writerly Confidence

2008-08-29T08:16:00.003Z

I think I learnt something about myself last night at my writers group meeting. I took along a short story I'm currently working on to read out and get feedback on. I was initially dented by the feedback and probably didn't take it on board last night but just sat and took down notes. The one feeling that remained resolute with me though, is that the story is a work in progress and I am going to keep working on it - taking on board some of the feedback.

What I learnt - is that I seem to have finally developed some writerly confidence - not 'shout from the rooftops' I'm fabulous sort of stuff but just a little hard nugget of something now resides within me that goes 'OK listen to what people have to say, use what you think resonates and trust yourself.' I think that's it. Trusting myself. I find that the hardest part. I'm currently rewriting my first novel and I find this much harder than getting the story down in the first place. I got worried last week that actually I don't have the skills to edit my own work and finally bring it to a satisfying conclusion. Then I worked out that it's just tough and it's a learning process and I have to hang in there.

It is so easy when you don't earn any money from your creative writing and you are not currently published to feel that it has no value in the world and I do question why I'm doing it. The simple answer is - I can't not do it. I don't know if I'm going to be one of those people to get some external recognition of my writing or if I will always be just slogging away. All I know is that I just want to keep getting better and keep writing.
It's that simple.

Chaos and the writer

2008-08-27T10:32:00.002Z

A lovely thing has just happened to cheer my writing soul. I entered a poem in the poetry section of the writing comps at Winchester Writers Conference this year and I was highly commended. I just got a lovely certificate and comments from the judge in the post. The feedback has really given me a lift - it feels great not to be always writing in isolation but to actually feel that someone has read something (someone who doesn't know you and isn't related to you!!!) and enjoyed it.

My other writing thing at present is I was very determined to write my second novel with a level of organisation attached to it - almost project manage it I guess. The first one was written amidst chaos really - out of sequence etc. My vow has vanished as once again I'm writing chaotically and shall have to repair it all at the end. The good thing is I actually don't mind and have accepted for now that this is the way its meant to be. I'm writing and that is the best part of all!!!

It's the little things...

2008-08-15T14:05:00.003Z

Every time I come back from Oz apart from missing my family & friends I miss certain foods. I try and jam my suitcase with the priority items like Snack Chocolate bars (each piece of the bar has a different filling like pineapple, turkish delight etc). My fav missed foods are Nutrigrain breakfast cereal and chicken in a biscuit crackers (not wholesome at all but strangely compelling!!!). I also used to love making apricot chicken but I could never find apricot nectar/juice to make it with. I'm only back 5 days and I had to give in to temptation and place an online order with the Australian shop in Covent garden. I am counting the days until my goodies arrive!

Back from Hols!

2008-08-14T14:52:00.003Z

Kangaroo at sunset. Guess where I've been????

I'm just back from 3 weeks in Australia catching up with family and friends. It was fantastic but dam cold. I had a couple of unexpected bonuses at the end of the trip - one was catching up with a dear friend from Western Australia who I haven't seen for 7 years. We worked that one out over several glasses of champagne!

Then - the holy grail of travel happened for me - I got UPGRADED to BUSINESS CLASS for the 20 hours trip home. Anyone who has done long haul in economy knows an upgrade is the ULTIMATE. Had to put that in caps to show how delirious I was with joy - thought I was going to pass out at the check in desk when she gave me my boarding card with the letters BUSINESS CLASS stamped in royal blue across the top. Yes I am shallow but this is an experience worth being shallow for. I had a flat bed seat with a an inbuilt back massager - JOY, champagne on tap and an empty seat next to me just completed the heady experiecne for me. The food was great with several choices for each course. Oh I could have just kept flying around the world in my priviledged little bubble!!!

Still it is always fab to be home and three weeks away from my lovely hubby was pushing it for me. Now its back to work and I find that writers fear has struck while I was busy having fun. I haven't written now for 5 weeks and I have two paths to chose from. Novel number one sits behind me in a box - finished to 2nd draft, printed out and waiting for me to read it afresh. I am a bit terrified and haven't even taken the lid off the box yet. I'm scared for several reasons - worried that it will be crap and I won't know how to fix it, worried that it is not the novel I would write if I was starting it from scratch today. My writers voice has changed in the past three years and I'm just not sure that is how I write anymore but worried that I won't be able to rewrite it the way I would want to.

The second path - is leave novel one for now and start novel 2 which has been burning into me for about 10months. If I do that though I worry that I won't really have gone the distance - all I will have done is show that I can produce 90,000 words but not really finish a novel. I think I would have that hanging over my head like an anvil if I start novel 2. Well I think I've answered my own question. The box needs to be opened and I need to get on with finishing novel 1. That was easy!

On my summer holidays!

2008-07-18T11:25:00.001Z

I'm off on holdiay until mid August - enjoy the summer!!!!!!

New Writing Gizmo

2008-07-08T13:53:00.005Z

I'm very excited by the delivery of my new writing Gizmo - it came a couple of weeks ago but I've only just had time to use it in the past week. There are some pics so you can see it from several angles. It's an AlphaSmart Neo - great name isn't it? Sounds like something out of The Matrix! It's actually just a word processor - sounds very retro but it is perfect for what I need. I go to Australia at least once - usually twice a year and each time I lug my laptop and get very precious and worried about its safety! All I really want it for is to write because I only check emails maybe once a week and can use family/friends computers or pop into the local library.

I read about this on a few websites and a couple of writers magazines and it sparked my interest. It was £179 so a lot cheaper than a laptop as well. It stores everything to the hard drive automatically and runs off double A batteries - I think there are 3 in there and they are meant to last for 600hours and from all the reviews I've read - they do! It can hold the equivalent of a thick novel and you can have 6 files. You just plug it into your USB on your computer and hit send and it sends your files straight to your computer. It is a full size keyboard and you see up to 6 lines of type on the screen.

I'm a bit in love with it! It's really light as well. I don't write into a notebook as I like to type, think and write so its perfect for my needs. I am actually looking forward to 22hours in an economy seat when I fly to Oz next week - and that's a first!!!! All that time to write on this little device - very exciting!!!!! I shall stop gushing and do some writing!

Happy Anniversary Tulips

2008-07-02T09:42:00.004Z

Today is an anniversary day - I've lived in the UK for 9 years. It's difficult to believe and it's impossible not to be reflective. This time nine years ago I'd been here for 3 hours and was deliriously happy, jet lagged, shell shocked, sad and excited. The first person I saw when I walked through customs was the man I would eventually marry. It was 6am and I'd been travelling for 24 hours from Sydney - and there he was with a huge bunch of flowers and a big, happy smile.

Back in Sydney my departure had been full of tears. I didn't think I'd be gone so long but life changes, no matter how radical they are, soon settle in to just being your life. It took me about 3 years before I stopped reflecting on a weekly basis about where I lived and how my life had changed so dramatically.

My husband gave me beautiful tulips to mark the occasion and I have them in vases all over the house but this is the special bunch in my study. Today I am going to reflect on how wonderful it is to be loved, how sad it is to be so far away from others that I love and how lucky I am to be enjoying a life full of adventures, lovely relationships and passion.

On Blog leave

2008-06-20T15:24:00.000Z

Blogging Break is lasting a little longer than I planned. Work is hectic. Back soon and I have a new writing toy to blog about when I return!!!!!! Hopefully I'll have a chance to try it out very soon!!

On Hiatus

2008-05-28T12:17:00.000Z

Having a little blogging break due to work...work and more work!!!!

Back soon.

Happy Again...

2008-05-19T16:17:00.001Z

Ah my dark little mood of sat has lifted - hallelujia!!!!
Things making me cheerful today.
The sun is shinning...
We have yummy vegie spring rolls and other asian goodies for dinner...
Working day is over...
I am going to bed early tonight with a good book...
About to write for a sneaky and snatched 45mins...

Ah yes - life is good

Grumpy Today!!!

2008-05-17T14:57:00.003Z

I feel guilty about being a bit grumpy today - there is no real reason other than a crappy week at work and a few little life hiccups to top it off - but nothing worthy of being a bit grumpy. You know when you have a knot in your stomach? Mine is sitting like a dark shadow that refuses to budge. I tried to be good and went to bed early last night, didn't drink any alcohol and then got up and went to a body combat class at the gym this morning. I snarled, sweated, punched and kicked my way through an hour and really gave it a 100%. Then I had a lovely spontaneous chat to a woman in the dressing room afterward, came home, had a good lunch and lay on the sunroom sofa and read the paper for an hour. So what's going on?

I think it may be writing. I always get a bit grim when writing feels out of control. At the moment my day job is consuming me and I'm resenting that. I feel like the intensity of it has taken me by surprise and I haven't had a chance to get all the little boxes of my life realigned to suit this turn of events. I don't mind my day job as a rule but it has suddenly got more demanding and I've had to go to endless meetings and my writing hermit is feeling a bit out of kilter. I think that's what it is.

I have the urge to spring clean my study but I'm not sure if this is a displacement activity or a genuine attempt to get my 'house' in order and then do a plan of action for the next few weeks. I hate feeling unsettled like this - maybe that's a better term for it. I'm not really grumpy just unsettled. I'll try and write for a bit and then tidy the study. Then I'll have a glass of wine and a piece of choccy as a reward. Feeling better already!

Short Stories

2008-05-15T16:05:00.002Z

I'm being a glutton about short stories recently and have just received the anthology of the Bridport prize and am part way through the Asham prize one also. A perfect short story is a delightful thing - a bit like eating just one chocolate out of the box and savouring it. I'm writing a couple at the moment and think it was in the mid nineties when I last wrote one. I'd forgotten what a craft it is and am really enjoying the discipline of saying a lot with a few words - well at last that's what I hope I'm doing! I am aiming to be brave enough to enter a few comps this year.

My favourite short story writer of all time is Raymond Carver - his command of brevity is staggering. Every time I reread one of his I am blown away by the beauty of the stories even when the subject is bleak.

Any recommendations on the short story front from fellow readers/writers?

Living on the Coast

2008-05-08T14:25:00.002Z

It's bliss living on the South Coast at the moment - sun is forever shinning and it's warm. I feel rather smug when talking to Aussie family and friends and they are shivering in front of a heater - well maybe that's a bit of exaggerating. I was up in London y'day and had to take the tube - what an ordeal. Thought I was going to suffocate - it was so lovely to get back on the train and head back down to the coast - I was feeling smug again.

I've rediscovered the short story after years of favouring novels. I'd forgotten how delicious and compact they are when delivered with a skilled eye and wit. Current bedside reads are: Is this what you want? The Asham short story award winners collection, Journeys - Modern Australian short stories and Leading the Dance by Sarah Salway.

Off to consume a short story in the garden in the sun on the lovely south coast!!!!

Things to be grateful for...

2008-04-28T19:21:00.003Z

I'm wondering at the moment if my working life could actually get any busier and I'm in danger of throwing a 'passive postal' where instead of arriving at work armed with a sawn off shot gun I come with a yoga mat and position myself in the middle of the open plan office and spend the day chanting whilst striking a dog pose. I shall refuse to work or move until my chakras are balanced and I am in a zen like state with a heart rate so low I could be an elite athlete.

Yes well the last bit is definitely fantasy. After another hectic day at work I decided to take the opposite approach of what I really wanted to do which was come home, get into pyjamas, commandeer TV remote and ring for take away. Oh no I went to the gym. I dragged my weary body there, ignored its tears and protests and went to a Swiss ball class...and this is what I was grateful for...Elle McPherson does not come to my Swiss ball class. I could be my flabby little self in a room full of bodies not dissimilar to my own. There were no supermodel like Gazelles with legs that need a room to themselves - just all normal women in a variety of outfits. That is a good thing when you feel under par.

I had a fraudster moment at the end though. I went to the nice cafe in the foyer of the gym and ordered a salad to take away. The hunky man who served me said would you like anything else with that as though he couldn't quite believe that anyone could exist just on a salad. I fluttered my weary eyelashes at him and said 'No thanks, that's all.' What he didn't know is that I needed the salad to go with the garlic bread and pizza I already had in the fridge!!! I'm off to enjoy it and commandeer the remote...Bliss!

Accidental Carnivore

2008-04-15T14:26:00.004Z

We went to our lovely local pub last week for 'curry' night. The menu was tantalising and reasonably priced - the atmosphere was warm and buzzy, conversation was great, wine was chilled - what more could you ask for of a night out? I ordered a veggie curry which sounded divine - I'm not a curry connoisseur and on the plate the food was jumbled together and looked and smelt yummy. I was munching away for quite some time then bit into...still distresses me to say it...a mouthful of beef!!!! For the carnivores in the world that probably would have been welcome but I haven't eaten any red meat for about 20 years as I don't like it.

My family tell me that my face contorted into a grimace and I whispered...beef...beef...I've just eaten beef. Husband kindly removed the fork from my frozen hand - midway between mouth and plate and he and daughter did a taste test and actually tried to fib to make me feel better - 'No, no it's not beef - just...just...strong tasting eggplant.' As if. I sat in shock for about 10minutes until a fresh glass of wine was in my hand shortly followed by a dish of chocolate ice cream - then and only then did I relax again.

The staff were very nice about it and I'm sure I was secretly awarded the neurotic customer of the week badge. Ah well. I did manage to finish a short story and submit to a competition - so the week finished on a high after the mid week culinary blip. I shall have to dine out like a royal of old from now on and bring my own living, breather taster - not to check for poison - just beef!

In need of a sorting coach

2008-04-09T17:06:00.003Z

We had an amazing winter wonderland for 24hours over the weekend. We had planned to garden but as you can see there was no hope of that!

I'm having one of those days where I feel like I will NEVER EVER have a house free of washing that needs attention -either it's waitng to be washed, dried, folded, ironed or put away. One part of my brain is in sorting mode but I seem to have run out of steam. I tried sorting photos as I don't think I've put anything into an album since 1999. I made a start and then faltered at the first hurdle when I couldn't remember which xmas I was looking at. I feel the same way about my novel at present - it's just sitting there waiting to be sorted - but my brain has gone to mush.

I'm going to take the rest of the night off. I have the house to myself, shall pour a glass of wine and indulge in mindless TV. I know I should be making an attempt to either write, sort washing or organise photos but I just can't get it together. I really NEED chocolate. I really NEED a week in a remote cottage with no washing begging for attenion. I need a life coach who specialises in washing and photos - just for starters.

Tethered to the desk

2008-04-01T16:18:00.005Z

After several weeks of frustration that threatened to send my blood pressure to critical I have finally got to face the fact that my beloved wireless Internet access is now denied me. I have had the friendly (but expensive!!) IT guy out 4 times in the past 3 three weeks and he has changed routers, upgraded software, downloaded all kinds of techie things but no avail...I even howled at the full moon last week looking for an answer but no joy. I get connected but then it drops me off on a whim!!! I can't take it anymore and have resorted back to my faithful 'cabled' connection. I am weeping as I loved the freedom of being able to move around the house and garden to write and work.

There is no definitive reason for why this cruel thing is happening to me - the IT guru thinks that maybe someone in my neighbourhood has recently had something installed that is interfering with my network. It better not be some sweaty oaf watching porn on some dodgy little wireless set up in his shed!!!!! I feel the need to become a midnight vigilante and stalk my neighbourhood looking for glowing lights in sheds and subversive neon winking out from bedrooms.

Ah woe is me. No actually I have decided to pull myself together and get over it. I have invested enough time and money in it and now I have to put it behind me and move on. I can't quite bear to banish my shiny, silver router to a cupboard just yet though so it shall remain on my desk - a cruel reminder of the freedom I enjoyed last year and that I am now tethered ...my mobility to roam with laptop in hand gone for now. I'm hopeful that it may one day start working as mysteriously as it stopped working.

To cheer myself up I may need to purchase something new for my study - since I am now bound to it. A Le Corbusier couch springs to mind (see pic above) - its gorgeous and I have lusted after one for years ever since a friend bought one!!! Hmmmm shall have to go and check the pennies in the treats jar and see if I have enough!

For the love of a good mechanic

2008-03-28T17:42:00.002Z

My planned few days blog break became a couple of weeks. Still busy - having one of those productive weeks where I feel OK about getting things done but my To Do list is HUGE still!!!!! I know its bad when I forgot to MOT my car - I've never done that before and for a few moments when the realisation set in I had visions of an elite squad absailing over my house and hoisting my car away by helicopter never to be seen again. And of course my lovely mechanic is booked solid for the next week and I don't have the energy to forge another mechanical relationship in a hurry - they take nurturing and I haven't got any time for that this week. So I'm going to leave my car off the road for the next week and use the hubby's car. Ahhh glad that's settled.

Busy..busy...busy

2008-03-11T11:16:00.002Z

...And it's not writing busy - which would be great! If only I could exist on a mouldy cracker but alas I am more high maintainanace than that - chocolate doesn't come cheap! Hence paid work takes precedence this week. No room for proper blogging or proper writing...Back in a few days.

Word count - ZERO

2008-03-07T11:10:00.002Z

Oh not a good writing week at all! Too much work and other stuff in the way. My big writing knot has formed in my stomach and if I don't write soon - I shall go mad and be unbearable to live with. AND we have run out of milk and I need caffeine! Off to Canterbury for the weekend so no chance to get pen to paper. My hopes are high for next week. The word count WILL rise!

When it it finished?

2008-03-05T11:00:00.004Z

I was having a discussion with 2 writer friends on the weekend about the dilemma of knowing when a novel is finished. They had good advice based on the experiences of other writer friends. I was getting a bit anxious that I would just keep messing with my novel (aside from resolving the prologue or not issue) and redrafting and redrafting. The thing that happens for me is that I change one section which then means I have to chance another section and the domino effect takes over. I could be writing this for 10 years which I don't want to be doing. I know it took Donna Taart a decade to write the wondrous 'A Secret History' but I want to get moving along with no 2.

They advised to make it as good as I can - do all the usual checks and then send it off. I know this sounds like very basic advice but sometimes you need to hear the basic stuff to make you really see it. They are right. I know I am very close to making it as good as I can and then it will be time to send it out. I know this is nothing very deep or earth shattering but it was what I needed to hear at the moment. It is keeping me grounded.

The fun thing of the day! Two men on our roof installing a 12ft aerial to give us digital TV - very exciting! Our household's new year resolution was to watch less TV so we could do other more loftier activities - good to see we lasted until March and then went in the opposite direction. By mutual agreement the planned gym visit for tonight has been postponed so we can sit goggle eyed and flick through our 87 new channels! I'd love to say we're doing it so we can get great reception for Classic FM or the history channels - Nope! I'm doing it to get access to crap TV that sounds like fun! Totally shallow!

To Prologue or not?

2008-03-04T09:58:00.002Z

This is my burning question at present in my novel Support Act. It centres around the friendship of two women who have been best friends since they were teenagers. I originally started it with them in their thirties and the whole novel spanned a year. I showed the start to an agent at Winchester last year ( a high flyer so I listened when she spoke!) and she said you need to show the reader some history of this friendship - maybe in a prologue. I went away and thought about this for a while and initially rejected the idea then came round to it. I wrote a prologue - it went on and on and on... I realised I was writing backstory - so I ditched it.

Then I had a moment where I thought I know how to do a snappy prologue with a symbolic link in it to the present - so that's what I wrote. I now think the prologue needs to be discarded and I need to go back and rework my original start. Then a writer friend mentioned flashbacks.

I am now groaning under the weight of prologues and flashbacks and have no idea what to do.

This is my plan though to try and answer this question. Print off the whole novel (without the prologue) and read it to see whether or not I have a story that works and flows - THEN I'll think about prologues/flashbacks.

Off to untie the twist in my writerly knickers! I hope!

First Steps

2008-02-29T11:15:00.002Z

The writing plan is taking shape - I have bought a new notebook to begin scribblings for Novel 2 and have a plan in my head of my approach. With my first novel I had a very haphazard process which was fine but on reflection I would like to try a different process. Novel one began from a tiny idea and several anecdotes and I didn't even know what final form it would take. At that stage the idea of writing a novel had never entered my head. Now that I have novel 1 complete - even though it needs a complete overhaul - I at least now understand the mechanics of 'going the distance.'

I've been reading Robert J Ray & Brett Norris' book 'The weekend novelist' which essentially guides you through a 'process' to write a first draft. I know I won't follow it to the letter but I am going to use it to get started. For this novel I know who the central characters are, what their relationship is (at least at the start of the story) and what the main theme is. I would like to write this in a more linear fashion as I got lost at times with my random writing process on N1. I suppose that I am looking to be more effective with my time and I would like to get this one finished quicker and maintain a more focused writing approach. Fingers are tightly crossed and I feel excited and scared - but more excited!

Next Steps

2008-02-27T09:56:00.002Z

I've woken up today with more energy than I've had for ages. I haven't written regularly now for over 3 months due to my family situation and I feel it is time to get a routine happening again. I have been home from Australia for a week and I'm still filled with joy not to have to rummage in a suitcase for anything I want. After 3 months of living out of a suitcase it is really exciting to open a cupboard and extract what I need. I'm not that thrilled about winter clothes though - I miss the freedom of flip flops and floaty cotton dresses - bring on summer.

What I need now is a plan for my writing. Novel No 1 - Support Act needs a complete overhaul. I sent it out to one agent and had a rejection and I knew in my heart that it wasn't quite ready but I sent it anyway. Lesson Learnt - be patient. I want to start novel 2 as I feel the need to get on with it - and have decided to edit Support Act and write the new one at the same time. That's the plan.

My lovely husband returns from Italy tonight and I'm determined to make an untried dish for dinner. I'm going to have a crack at a yummy sounding Minestrone soup with bits of crumbled up bread on top which you dip in olive oil and garlic and then bake in the oven. Sounds really tasty. I feel it is the least I can do as he is bringing me a box of 100 handmade Italian chocolates and a chunk of fresh Parmesan cheese. Apparently I nearly had a gorgeous black cashmere cardigan but got the cheese instead as he was worried about the size. I love the way his brain works - from cashmere to cheese just like that!

I'm back

2008-02-26T13:58:00.002Z

This is the post I didn't want to write but if I don't I'm going to stay with a big knot in my stomach. I've been avoiding it for a week but I have a strategy - write it quickly and then do another post straight after so this is not the one that stays in my mind. I thought about not writing this post but what is the point of having a writing blog if I'm not going to be honest. And holding onto this is creating a massive block for me.

My dad died in Australia five weeks ago after a short illness. He had pancreatic cancer and was given 6 months back at the end of October but he passed away almost 3months to the day after diagnosis. I got to spend 6 weeks with him and Mum from November through to early January and he was pretty good for most of that time though the morphine wiped him out. There was never any chance of treatment right from the start so we all knew what we were living with.

When I left Australia to return to the UK early in January I knew there was a strong possibility I may not see him again. I was OK with that as we had no outstanding words to share or issues to resolve but that was not really the point - saying goodbye and knowing that might be the last time we ever saw each other was unbelievable sad. There was nothing OK about it at all.

My family advised me in the middle of January to come home as he was declining faster than we had expected. I booked a ticket for Jan 22nd and my Dad died on Jan 20so I didn't get to see him again. My husband and I arrived in Australia on Jan 24 and we held the funeral the next day.

Waking up on the day of the funeral was like being in a surrealist dream. I couldn't believe I was putting lipstick on and advising my Mum on her make-up. She was in a bedroom putting it on with two of my Aunts with her. I walked in and said 'No Mum that lipstick is too pale' and she turned to my Auntie's and said 'I knew she'd be in to tell me to change it.' We all laughed. That was the unexpected aspect of the day - how much laughter there was along with the tears.

My Mum wanted myself and my two brothers to do readings but my younger brother opted not to and my other brother gave a beautiful eulogy. I was in awe of how he kept it together to read so well. I was only able to read because the words were someone else's and not about Dad. I never thought I'd be glad to have to read from the Gospel but I was grateful for the distraction of telling a story about people I had no connection with.

Various other family members undertook roles throughout the Catholic service and it was very beautiful and very busy! Always something to be done. When it finished a lone piper played Danny Boy in honour of my Father's Irish roots as the coffin was carried out by my brothers, husband, uncles and a cousin. Dad's old friends had formed a guard of honour down the steps of the church which I didn't know about. We stepped out of the gloom of the church into the mid afternoon summer sun and watched the coffin being placed in the hearse. The piper faded away and we were invited to sprinkle holy water onto the coffin before the hearse doors closed.

I couldn't believe it was my Dad in that coffin. I still don't really. It pops into my head that he has died and sometimes I question my self and ask if it's really true. One of my cousins told me that time doesn't heal the pain it just teaches you how to live with it. I liked that.

After the service at the cemetery we retired to my Dad's local watering hole the RSL (returned serviceman's league) club for drinks and snacks. It could almost have been any kind of celebration with kids running around in their 'good' clothes and everyone chatting and laughing. Later that night 40 members of my family gathered in the dinning room downstairs to have dinner. It was a great night - we played the poker machines, the kids ate chocolate and chips and feel asleep on the floor and we finished up on the snooker tables.

It was a great night and so lovely to have the comfort of family. It was like being cocooned in a familiar and happy little bubble. More than ever I was grateful to be part of an extended family who had energy and love to give in abundance. I was glad for Mum that she was enveloped in all of this as I knew the time would come when she would be on her own and have to face her grief.

Eventually the family members either returned to work or flew home to other Australian states and towns or back to America and the UK and then it was just Mum and I. My husband could only stay for a week on this second visit and I stayed on to keep Mum company for a bit longer and help with all the paperwork that comes flooding in. As my four year old niece said goodbye to Mum she said 'Who will sleep with you now that you don't have a husband Grandma?'

On Valentines day it would have been Dad's 70th birthday and Mum and I went up to the cemetery early before the heat set in. I would have liked to have gone on my own but I didn't want to tell Mum that. I wanted to go and have a good howl but wanted to be strong for Mum. As it transpired she was having the same thoughts. We arrived at Dad's grave to see a 70th candle poking put of the earth next to a handwrapped yellow rose and a 'Happy Birthday' grandpa card. That was the cue for us both to have a good howl. My brother had been up earlier and my 1year old niece had blown out the candle. She had been the one that Dad always found the energy to get out of his chair for even when we knew he didn't have the energy to give - but he always found it for her.

I came back to the UK last week and ring my Mum every second day. It is a wrench not to be there but wonderful to be back in my own home with my lovely husband. It is good to have the space to grieve. Next week would have been my parent's 46th wedding anniversary and I have no idea how my Mum will feel. I just celebrated my third and I cannot fathom losing someone you love after 46. I want to send Mum flowers and then I think that is probably to raw. I know this is Mum's journey and none of us can take it for her and there is probably nothing we can really do other than let her know we love her.

The temptation is to start organising her life for her. I would send her a plane ticket tomorrow to come and stay with us for a while but I think it is too soon and that she would probably appreciate it later in the year. I know she just wants to take it a day at a time and not make any commitments at present. We shall all just have to be patient and let her go at her own pace. I know how I feel at present - not really wanting to socialise and happy to be alone for a lot of the time - I think Mum is feeling the same from what I can tell. I console myself with knowing that we are probably able to do this because we know we are loved. It would be terrible to feel this sad and really be alone.

I had a typical relationship with my Dad given our background - he was Irish, always worked hard to look after his family and a product of an era where talking about your feelings wasn't really the thing to do. My dad would be happy to boast about you to everyone in town but would rarely deliver that kind of praise directly. I grew up in a small Australian rural town where everyone knew you and your family. It was hell being a teenager as there was always someone around who knew your parents which meant that you had to be'good'. When I left at 17 and moved to Sydney to go to Uni I was always so embarrassed when I was home to meet friends of my father's who seemed to know everything I'd been up to right down to the grades for exams.

I know my dad took great pleasure in telling people about my achievements over the years and I'm sad that when I return home and go to the RSL for a drink Dad won't be there to call me over to say hello to one of his mates who would say to me 'I've heard about all you - your Dad is always talking about you.' When I was younger that used to make me cringe, now I realise how lucky I was to have had a dad who was proud of me.

Blog Break

2008-01-21T18:19:00.001Z

I'm away for a while so no blogging from me! Back in late Feb.

From my window

2008-01-17T13:47:00.000Z

From my study window I can see two beautiful swans pottering around the little creek that runs behind our garden fence. It is wild, grey and unpredictable out there today and their 'whiteness' is extraordinary against the sky and the vivid grass. They often cross the road on the other side of the creek and walk up to the front door of the house on the corner. They tap on it and if someone is home they will come out and give them something to eat. There are regular dog walkers who stop and give them a snack as well. The swans are a much loved part of our local community. Sometimes when I'm working away I will notice a build up of traffic on the road - this is unusual as it is very quiet around here - then I see that the swans are either sitting in the middle of it or in the process of crossing it. I'd post a piccie but they're a bit too far away. Trust me - they are beautiful and cheering on a grey day - any day really!

Defnitely Prehistoric

2008-01-14T13:16:00.001Z

There is a pelican sanctuary just down the beach from the holiday flat we stayed in on the central coast of NSW. Every day at 3:30pm the pelicans get fed and it is amazing. In flight they really look prehistoric. I'd never seen so many before. They were compelling to watch. This piccie cheers me up when I look at it. Not sure why - they look so geeky and robust!

It has been a rough morning - my dad is back in hospital and it wasn't looking good for a while - in between phone calls to my family I began to look at flights to OZ. My stress levels went a bit sky high - he has levelled out a bit now and I'm going to wait 24 hours until I make a decision. I want to go to bed and sleep - I feel so tired but it's more than tired. I feel happier though knowing Dad is comfortable. I know his end is soon and it feels very surreal and sad. I don't really have the words to describe it.

Space versus Clutter

2008-01-11T10:21:00.000Z

I was looking forward to coming home to my study after being away for nearly seven weeks. I was missing the solitude I have when I'm in there. The hermit in me was pinning for my space. I had remembered my study as a tidy, bright room but the reality is that it's currently a wild room with pesky piles of 'things' everywhere. This morning is my morning to tidy it and claim it back. To get me in the mood for a session with the Mr Sheen I googled writer's rooms and found this fab site http://books.guardian.co.uk/writersrooms. I really like David Lodge's room but think it will take more than a duster to create that one. My big criteria for a writing space is light. From my generous window here to the side of my desk I can see the sky, the south downs, trees and the rain pelting down. It is a great view. The plan is tidy now and settle in to write for the afternoon.

Broody Day

2008-01-10T15:15:00.000Z

This is the view from a beachside flat we rented for a while in Oz over xmas. It was a fab location for staring out to sea and we had quite a few tropical storms whilst we were there - this is the sky gearing up to deliver a hell of a downpower. I love being by the beach when the weather is like this - all very moody. Just like today! Perfect writing weather!

Hope

2008-01-09T10:25:00.000Z

I've been wrestling with something the past few days and I don't want to dwell on it too much as I think I have resolved it a little. I've been thinking about my dad and his cancer and the past few days it has been a dead weight in my chest that nothing can shake. I was immobilised by it. I couldn't shake myself out of my grief. This is a new feeling - since his terminal diagnosis 3 months ago I have run the gauntlet of feelings but this was a new one. I figured out what it is - lack of hope.

I realised that for the first time in my life there was something important and life changing happening that was finite. There was no hope. This made me feel so bleak. Then I spoke to my dad today and even though he sounds weary and ill we still chatted about the weather - hot for him in Oz - chilly here for me. Then I realised that as long as he is still living there is always hope. Not hope for a miracle cure but just hope that he still has time to enjoy life - even in a scaled down way - even just telling me how lovely it was to sit in the garden and do the crossword. As long as he still has moments of happiness then there is hope.

Dream Time

2008-01-08T10:16:00.000Z

This is the Hawksbury River on the central coast of NSW. It is so tranquil here and my friend drove me to this spot to show me a very ordinary house with an extraordinary view from its garden - this is the view. Two elderly sisters live there and have done so for about 50 years. Their garden is huge and we fantasised about building a secret log cabin at the bottom of the garden to go and write in. They would probably never notice as they have so much land. The silence here is incredible - just the sound of birds at sunrise and sunset. Bliss.
You have to dream!

Summer clothes in hibernation

2008-01-07T10:57:00.000Z

My summer clothes have all been washed and put away and my body is rebelling at the number of layers I'm forcing it to wear. It is cold here - thank god for hot water bottles. I have one shoved up the back of my jumper and I'm contemplating putting on my fingerless gloves. It's hard to believe that exactly one week ago I was at a beachside cafe devouring scrambled eggs whilst wearing my still damp swimmers and gazing out over the ocean. Ahhh.

The reason I spent 6 weeks in Oz was that my Dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in late October. He was given 6-9months. I wasn't going to blog about it but I realised I need to. Blogging for me is the equivalent of writing morning pages. This is a huge part of what is going on in my life at present and to ignore it and keep it from my writing doesn't feel right. I don't feel great writing about it and probably won't reread the paragraph above - it is very raw.

My trip home was filled with laughter and tears. I went home with thoughts that I could help my Mum with caring for Dad directly but actually I soon realised that is Mum's role and one she wants. They've been married for 46years so I understand that. So I realised that my role was to support Mum. We had quite an assembly line of support going on! Some days I realised that doing the vacuuming and making sandwiches for lunch was a great thing to be doing and I'm sad that I'm not there at the moment to do it.

Mum and Dad both have big families scattered around the globe and next week three of Dad's siblings arrive to visit and help out. They have all asked me what I think is the best thing they can do to help out - I said 'cook meals, clean house and make sure Mum gets to go out into the world, even if it is just to shop or visit friends - and keep Dad company.' I'm trying to work out when I should return home again - that is the tricky part. I'm going to put faith in hoping that I will just know but I'm OK with it not working to any plan. That doesn't ease the sadness but what possibly could?

On a positive creative note - I am going to submit my novel to an agent this week. I've decided on a single submission at this stage but I have a back up list if this one doesn't pan out. I just decided that I really like this agent and the way he works so feel like just submitting to him at present. I'm going to print off my submission today, proof it (again!!!!!) have my husband proof it (again!!!) and then pop it in the post tomorrow and then commence Novel number 2 in earnest. If I didn't have my fictitious worlds to disappear into at the moment I would probably go a little mad. There is only so much reality a person can take at times.

New Year...again and again

2008-01-04T13:26:00.000Z

I haven't washed my hair since last year. My final brush with shampoo was in Sydney on New Year's Eve. My hubby and I woke to the kind of morning that Sydney does so beautifully this time of year. Blue sky with a few kindly white clouds, pure sunshine streaming through the window and the day's heat snaking up from the pavement. We had spent the previous night (our last one in Oz) with dear friends and we'd been up to 2am drinking, laughing and yakking.

Needless to say we were all feeling a tad weary. Only one thing for it - a dip in the ocean followed by breakfast in an open air cafe. Our friends live a 5min walk from one of the most gorgeous places to swim in Sydney - Clovelly. So we ambled down the road loving the sun beating down on us. The beach was busy already with bodies of all shapes, colours and sizes enjoying the glorious start to NYE but one of the things I love about Oz is that even when a place is busy there is still room for a few more bods.

The water was fresh to start with and not exactly calm. We were swimming in a lovely cove but big breakers crashing onto the rocks at the mouth of the cove made it seem as though we were in a washing machine according to my friend. Any seedy residue of the night before quickly dissolved and I certainly luxuriated in the freedom of the ocean before our 22 hour flight back to the UK.

The beachside cafe was buzzing but we managed to snag the best table with uninterrupted views over the ocean. At that moment life couldn't have got any better. Soon it was time to do the final pack and enjoy a long, hot shower and a hair wash before our flight. We had initially been a bit peeved about having to fly on NYE but then we got excited and thought it would be an adventure. It was.

We had 3 NYEs throughout the flight and watched fireworks erupt in Hong Kong as we ascended to begin the final leg back to the UK. Champagne has never tasted so good.
Happy New Year - I hope it is a joyous, creative and peaceful one.

Brighter Thoughts

2007-11-14T19:11:00.000Z

I'm, pleased to say my mood has lifted since my last post. My equilibrium has been restored and I am a happier writer for it. I went to my writing group last weekend and they have set me straight and I seem to have my confidence back. I shall have some time to write - I hope - over the next 6 weeks as I shall be off in sunny Australia visiting family. My trusty laptop will be by my side and if I can drag myself out of the sun and into writing mode I shall power on with the novel. Until next time!

Editing Nerves & Dark Thoughts

2007-11-08T10:08:00.000Z

Oh how quickly it all changes. I'm still ploughing through the editing but my confidence seems to have taken a knock. I have had the first 10,000 words read by a couple of trusty readers - and their feedback differed rather radically! This has shaken me as I know don't know what to do. I'm waiting for my gut instinct to kick back in and tell me but it's having a hiatus. I thought I had finished and polished the first 10,000 but now I'm not so sure.

I keep telling myself every writer feels this way but it's not keeping the dark thoughts at bay. I shall plough on through the rest and just let my thoughts about the opening chapters stew somewhere in my subconcious. Hopefully it will spit back some fire at some point and I can decide what to do. I hate this feeling!!!

Did I really say I loved the editing process the other day? I must have been on a high imagining my book as R&J read of the summer!!! Today I can only imagine a pile of rejection letters splatting onto the hall mat. I should have put a warning at the top of this to say - don't read this if you need cheering up!!!!!

quick word

2007-11-05T16:15:00.000Z

I feel a teeny bit scared of blogging again after my extended break. But I felt that I wanted to break the drought. My novel currently stands at 314 pages and I am up to page 110 of editing the final draft. Ir's coming along at a good pace.

In fact for the first time in my writing life I am unable to get through a day (except sunday which is all about the weekend papers, drinking coffee and laying around in my pyjamas) without writing.

I even went and bought a new pink notebook the other day as the ideas for my next novel keep biting me.

This is all very exciting - I love the writing process - at the moment!!!

Thank you rowan, zinnia & leigh for leaving me words of support in your comments - they really help.

05 November 2007 16:14

Blog Rest

2007-10-09T21:39:00.000Z

I'm trying to finish editing my novel before xmas and something has to give with regards to time - since the family need attention and I have to turn up for paid work it has to be the blogging. I really love having a blog but I need to crack on with my editing or it will never be finished. I'll be back...as Arnie says.

Sunday Morning

2007-09-30T08:08:00.000Z

Anyone who knows me well understands that I am not a morning person - perhaps I'm still rebelling against my 6am birth. It's just after 0900 on Sunday morning and this is usually my lie in day but not this morning. I think it was the thought of fresh fruit bread waiting to be toasted and spread with strawberry jam that drove me out of bed and done to the kitchen. It was heavenly!

I'm now watching a woman feeding the two swans and many ducks that reside on the little stretch of water behind our house. Next to early mornings birds are the other 'thing' that worry me. I think that one comes from being left in the middle of Trafalgar square at the age of 2 strapped into my pushchair while my Mother stepped back to take the photo. Sheer terror was definitely the look on my face.

The swans and ducks look very satisfied out there and if I was more confident around creatures who flap I would be willing to offer them some of my fruit bread. But as they say 'like that's ever gonna happen!'

I think it might be time for a mid morning nap.

Busy, Busy, busy...

2007-09-14T13:43:00.000Z

I'm going to take a blog break for the next 10 days or so due to:
Work...work and more work
Eldest going off to start University
Wee trip to the glorious highlands of Scotland

Back soon!

Taking a Break

2007-09-07T08:55:00.000Z

I'm having a blog break for the next week. Deadlines and work. I'm going to see a new dance production in London on the weekend which I'm really looking forward to. It's called 'Satisfaction' and it's based around the music of the Rolling Stones. I'm not a Stones fan but I love contemporary dance so going to have a culture hit. I love going up to London - it always 'wakes' me up and fills me with a buzzy energy. Big cities do that for me. And I love staying in hotels - which I may have mentioned a few million times before! I'm off to dream off fluffy white towels, turned down beds and breakfast made by someone else. That's what I call bliss.
Have a good week! Happy writing!

Go Slow

2007-09-05T09:53:00.000Z

I'm mimicking the tube strike in London and having a go slow day. I woke up this morning and thought about all the things I had to do today and for the next few days - the list was overwhelming. I got out of bed and shuffled down to the kitchen, put the kettle on and made the first coffee. I stood drinking it as I looked out at the grey sky and felt the cool, Autumnal air drifting through the kitchen window. Then my great idea came to me - I was going to do everything at my own pace today and since I was feeling sluggish and relaxed - I was going to take it easy. I realise that every single day - including most Sunday's - there is always something on the 'to do' list. I guess that is part of the flow of writing and living.

I quite like a cracking pace most of the time but every now and again my body rhythms reset themselves and tell me to slow down - they also tell me it's time for a holiday! So far this morning I think I have been just as productive as usual - if not more so - yet I feel very calm - almost serene. I'm just going to plod through the day and quietly go about my business.
I'm off into the garden to rake leaves!

Petit Posting

2007-09-02T16:59:00.001Z

I have just spent a delicious afternoon indulging in retail therapy with my husband - who loves shopping just as much as I do. Sometimes I have to jump up and down and cry 'it's my turn now' you have to look at me in these jeans/shoes etc. He did very well today and I did OK. There was a fab French market up on the sea front and I dropped an easy £40 in an hour - came home laden with bread, cheese, strawberries, tartes, 2 fancy watches (for a tener!!) and a bag. Oh and just to top it off I had a lovely flirt with a cute Frenchman - The conversation went like zis:

I said 'Bonjour' in my best schoolgirl English - he said 'Oh are you french?' I wanted to roar with laughter but didn't - how mature am I!!!!! Instead I said 'No, I'm Australian.' He said 'Oh you are a long way from 'om.' He batted his eyelashes at me (much more impressive than mine!!!) I batted mine back and we parted with 'Au Revoir.' I know it wasn't the most amazing conversation ever to have occurred with a stranger but sooooo good for the soul - a bit of harmless flirting on a sunny afternoon with a man in possession of a sexy accent.

Off now to indulge in olive bread, brie and a glass of chilled pinot grigio!!!
Ahhhh I love Sunday Afternoons!!!

Trying to be good

2007-08-29T09:17:00.001Z

My lovely pots are still blooming!

I'm trying to be good today and not fritter time away by blogging or reading blogs but it is so dam addictive reading other writer's blogs. They all have such a unique take on the craft, the process and the 'hanging in there no matter what.' I like to hear the same encouraging words about the writing process from lots of different 'voices' because we all phrase it in different ways and sometimes you can hear the same piece of advice 5 times and yet it only sinks in from one person. It's great when you make that connection and finally you get it.

I was feeling very grumpy yesterday and quite discouraged about my ability to get my second draft completed - I feel heaps happier today - partly due to my lovely husband who is always supportive and partly due to the natural rhythm of life where 'this too shall come to pass' applies - in my case my glum mood. I also feel cheered by reading some writer's blogs to start this sunny day. So, now I'm off to write!!!

Grumpy Tuesday

2007-08-28T09:53:00.000Z

I just had to post this pic of my veggie lasagne!!! I've made it twice now in the past week and since it is the first new recipe I have attempted to cook for about 5years I am very excited!!!!
Our jolly milkman woke me at 6am this morning as he was laughing and bantering with some noisy neighbour - how could they be laughing at 6am???? I'm not a morning person so this is a mystery to me - I don't really start functioning properly until about 10am. Though I do make a good show of being awake before then - it is all an act!!! I eventually fell back to sleep and into such a deep sleep (the kind where you feel like you are emerging from the bottom of a mud pit when you do wake up) that the alarm ringing at 7:30 was a hideous shock. I now feel out of sorts and then my wireless connection decided to be stubborn and won't work so I am hooked up to my 'old fashioned' modem which means I am bound to sit at my desk rather than sprawl on a sofa!!

I'm also having a little writer's worry than I will never manage to finish the next draft of my novel - Oh dear - I think I'll need my emotional crutch today - chocolate and I was trying to be so good and resist temptation. Today I am weak. Luckily there are a few choccy morsels in the fridge left over form the weekend. I shall have a nibble then talk myself back into a cheery mood. I feel better already for just writing the above - think I've exorcised some of the grumpiness!!!

Fantasy writing spot

2007-08-24T13:54:00.001Z

This is where I'd like to be today! Just me, my laptop and a chilled glass of champagne - I'd do a bit of writing then I'd take a nap - Bliss!!! I'm really tired today after sitting up in bed until 1:15am reading a Michael Crichton thriller - Next. It has quite a lot of biomedical jargon in it and a gazillion characters but I'm hanging in there as the story has me hooked. I was really tired as well after going to the gym and doing the exercise class from hell. I should have known I was in trouble when the instructor began talking about 'military style' exercises. Now I know why I never ran away to join the army - they have to eat rations and DO killer exercises!!!

No, give me the setting above any day and I'd be quite happy. Shallow I know - but it's Friday and it's been a long week! Looking forward to the bank holiday weekend - I plan to spend a lot of it either in bed, on the sofa or on a sunbed if the predicated heat and sunshine comes through - Bliss!!!!!

And there will be champagne - for no reason - other than pure enjoyment. AAhhhh.

In the moment

2007-08-22T10:34:00.000Z

I read a quote in the weekend papers that resonated with me. I don't remember who it was (obviosuly my champagne consumption on sat night is haunting me!!!!) It was by a woman who was born in one country and now lived between two others and she said that she worked out a long time ago that she couldn't wish she was in one place when she was in the other - otherwise she would go mad.

I really liked that. Simple but powerful. I have a life that is split between the UK and Australia and sometimes when I think about my life back in OZ and the people there I love and miss I do feel a kind of madness descend and an overwhelming feeling that says I 'can't believe I'm not there right now.' But I am a great follower of 'living in the moment' and this does the trick for me 90% of the time. I'd love a magic wand or a tardis so I could live equally between both but all I have at the moment - which is quite a lot - is the feeling that I am content living in the moment - whether that means looking out at the lush South Downs on this bleak summers day or living a nomadic existence out of a suitcase when I'm back in Oz visiting family and friends.

I've realised that as you go through life and meet people that you form lasting friendships with - it is likely that no matter where you are - there is always someone that you'll be thinking about and missing. The upside of this is that I feel lucky to know and cherish a disparate group of people.
I'll never stop looking for that magic wand though!!!

Saturday Night

2007-08-20T08:56:00.001Z

When I was in my early twenties the idea of having nowhere to go on a Saturday night was quite horrifying. Staying home alone when my flatmates were out at a party or away for the weekend was enough to force me to question whether or not I was a social pariah. It was a bit Bridget Jones on occasion - just me - a toasted tuna sandwich (I couldn't cook at all back then), a bottle of whatever cheap wine my meagre student income would allow and dire Saturday night TV.

These days the idea of having a Saturday night home alone is cause for great excitement. I get in my pyjamas early - have a bottle of bubbly chilling, a couple of good DVDs (by my standards - which is why I wait until I'm home alone to watch them!), large slab of chocolate and the take away menu at the ready. Utter Bliss!

BUT - there is still a thrill of excitement connected with socialising on a Saturday night. For a start you usually don't have to get up early the next morning and there is often more time to ponder what to wear and have a leisurely time getting ready. On Saturday night we did the loveliest kind of socialising. We went to a friends house a couple of hours drive away - stayed the night in their lovely guest room, sat nattering for several hours with tasty snacks and bubbly then the took us out to dinner at their local Indian, then we returned for further drinks, laughter and chatter.

It was a fantastic night and if I had known all those years ago when I sat home alone on a Saturday night that there were nights such as this one ahead of me, I would have relished my solitude and perhaps even done something useful with the time - such as study!!!

Utopia no more

2007-08-17T14:58:00.000Z

Well this is the tale of my vege lasagne I cooked last night. First of all our friends arrived for dinner but the doorbell wasn't working so they were standing outside knocking and pushing the doorbell to no avail - we didn't hear a thing. They had to ring us to come and let them in. So we're all settled in the sun room having a drink and nibbles and I had the lasagne in the oven doing it's 40min cooking. The timer goes off and I swan into the kitchen after announcing that I would be serving in 10mins. Smug chef that I was I had made the salad and side dishes earlier!!!! I go to the oven and the first thing I notice when I open the door is lack of heat - Hmmmm - and the lasagne looks the same as it did when I put it on.

I had neglected to turn the gas up to 6 and it remained on preheat. Back to the guests feeling less smug with another bottle of wine in hand. Of course they had announced on arrival that they were starving as they had been gardening all day and forgot to have lunch!!! I open more nibbles and endure the good hearted (and deserved!!) ribbing. Finally the bell pings again and this time the lasagne looks and smells delicious - Wow I was so impressed. And the best bit - it tasted yummy and everyone had seconds.

All in all a fun evening and I feel proud of myself for attempting to cook a new dish. I was a borderline failure at school in domestic science - sometimes it shows - and sometimes I manage to get away with it!!!!

Domestic Utopia Part Two

2007-08-16T11:22:00.001Z

Feeling smug today as our bedroom is now looking rather fab after my Herculean cleaning and clearing effort yesterday - didn't quite make it to my decluttering the wardrobe but feeling good anyway. I also did something I never do this morning - I went to the supermarket early and did the shopping before starting work for the day!!!! We have friends coming for dinner and I am going to cook a dish I have never made before - risky I know - as usually I would do a trial on family and check for unhealthy reactions - BUT - it's only vegetable lasagne - what could go wrong????? Hmmm.

We're on a high here in our household - A level results are in and our eldest got 2 As and a B - I currently have her anchored to the dinning table as I fear she will float away with happiness!!! I might have to join her. Her place at the uni of her choice is confirmed and I think her younger brother is in measuring up her bedroom in his anticipated move into the the 'big' bedroom when she leaves in a few weeks time for the spartan world of student accommodation!

I now have a few hours to myself so shall stop blogging and get writing. Oh, almost forgot to mention the sun is shinning - this day could be no better!!!

Domestic Utopia

2007-08-15T08:30:00.000Z

My brief stay in a lovely, minimalist hotel on the weekend has given me a nasty dose of domestic envy. It's not that I don't love our home - I do - it's just that at the moment we seem to be struggling to keep it tidy and complete all those jobs we started. My idea of domestic utopia is where you can open any cupboard and know exactly what's in it - and when you need to put something away again it has a dedicated space and I don't mean the sort that needs you to push it in with your foot and slam the door quickly before it all falls out.

I'm not sure how much time I waste looking for things in our place, probably at least the equivalent of writing a chapter a week. Our bedroom currently looks like someone returned from a tour of duty and tipped their kit bag upside down on the floor and then riffled through the contents, spreading them randomly about the room. If I want an item of clothing out of my wardrobe I simply scavenge at the bottom of it knowing I stand a better chance of finding it there rather than hanging up. My wardrobe utopia? I open the door and find exactly 12 items hanging up, they are all clean, ironed and interchangeable. There are no odd coloured items that I bought on impulse one day when I was feeling bold. No, 80% of the clothes are black and the rest add a splash of colour that I can cope with.

My study conforms to my idea of domestic utopia for the most part and I love it. Today's task is to tackle the bedroom. The weather is fowl, house is empty and I have nowhere to be. That seems to equal a day dedicated to creating domestic utopia. I can't even think about writing whilst I have this chaos around me. I need to clear the physical decks around me and then, just maybe I can have a few hours to write tonight when I have the house to myself once again. That would be a treat - tidy bedroom and some writing time.

Oh and as a reward I have a massage booked for the end of the day. I shall feel guilty if I go and enjoy it without having earned it. I'm off to hunt in the kitchen cupboard for the Mr Sheen and several garbage bags. I feel in the mood to scrub and cull.

I Love hotels!!

2007-08-13T09:08:00.000Z

Oh I love hotels - someone else to load the dishwasher, make the bed, do the cooking and make me cappuccinos on demand - Bliss!!! I have decided that I am really meant to be leading a different life - one where someone else permanently has all the above responsibilities and I just swan around in a flowing caftan and turban snapping my fingers!! Yep and then I woke up and remembered this was just for one night. We had a mid school holiday treat and stayed with the kids in a lovely hotel near Blue Water shopping centre (huge mall for those who don't know it - in Kent) and spent the day shopping and eating and then went to see the new Harry Potter movie in the evening - in a cinema with sofas - that was the best bit!!! We all had our feet up and disappeared into HP world for a delicious couple of hours.

We were only at the hotel for about 18hrs but made use of the pool, gym. coffee shop, bar and restaurant. On the Sunday morning the active family members (everyone but me!!!) got up early and went for a swim whilst I lay in bed wrapped in the hotel fluffy robe, with a face pack on doing some writing with lovely classical music in the background - bliss!!!! We then feasted on a fantastic treat of a breakfast before hitting the shops. Could I have been any happier???? Definitely not! I'm trying to stave off the reality of Monday but its forcing its way in. Ah well - caftan and turban back into the wardrobe until the next escape.

Friday Already

2007-08-10T09:04:00.000Z

This has been a mad and crazy week at the paid job and I have not had a chance to write or work on my editing. I have sat morning to myself and shall hide away and continue reading my first draft. It is funny how you start to notice your own mannerisms in your writing - some of them good and some of them just plain annoying. I'm trying to banish certain bits of 'me' from my writing. I know it is inevitable that aspects of me will appear and I think it is tricky trying to analyse which bits are the unique elements that you need to keep and which bits you need to bin. It can be a it cringy hearing yourself on the page. Perhaps I'm just not experienced enough yet at reading my own work. I plough on - strangely enjoying the experience.

Off with the family to see the Harry Potter movie on the weekend in a cinema that has sofas!!!! We're all very excited.

Gorgeous Day

2007-08-05T10:56:00.000Z

The sun is shinning here on the coast and I'm in my shorts!!! Very exciting - The Aussie in my just has to be outside on a day like this so we're off to buy a new sun umbrella for the patio then I'm going to lie on a sunbed to finish Souvenir - I'm totally hooked on it and need to know where it's all heading. I shall try and do some writing later when the sun sets.

Still fighting the anxiety of being close to submitting to agents - it's almost too scary to contemplate - because I know that once I open that door I'm laying myself bare. There is something safe in keeping your writing close and something very scary about venturing into the 'business' side of it. Maybe I'm just feeling this acutely because I'm not quite ready to submit. Perhaps I'll feel bolder when I can sit back and say 'OK' it's time for the jiffy bag. Who knows?

I'm beginning to wish I'd paid more attention to science and maths at school and had a job that deals with black and white, right or wrong...too many variables in fiction but I know that's what makes it exciting. And I'm sure that science is also plagued with 'if I go down this path...etc etc.'

Ah well for now it's off into the Sunshine!

All in the timing

2007-08-02T14:18:00.001Z

I had an idea for my next novel quite a long time ago and had begun making notes and was getting quite excited about starting it. Then I was watching a movie on the weekend that had a scene shot in a place that reminded me of a house I used to live in. This led me to thinking about that house and the life I led whilst there and the people who were in my life - some of whom still are and a few I haven't seen for years. That night when I went to bed I woke up about 3am with an idea for a story. I scribbled it down (for once I actually forced myself to turn on the light and use my notebook!!!) and when I woke up the next morning and read it back a novel idea clicked into place. This is going to be my next one. I can't believe that only two years ago I had never even thought of writing a novel. Even though I've always written I just never considered the novel as a form for me. Now I have a completed first draft and ideas for two further books - how did that happen?????

Anyway I have a question I'm grappling with at the moment as I read through and make notes on my first draft (up to page 169 of 297) - When do I really start on the next one? I'm not sure on this. Will I get myself tied up in knots if I make a start on a fresh story whilst redrafting my current one? Is it really just up to me to find a process that works for my style? Should I wait until I've sent 'Support Act' out to Agents and then get cracking on the new one?

I can't quite believe I'm even thinking about this - amazing!!!! Well it's back to work for the afternoon with the red pen.

Going slow

2007-07-31T09:43:00.000Z

I'm doing a lot of worrying at the moment interspersed with enthusiastic bursts. Reading and rewriting 'Support Act' is exciting and scary. I'm just trying to be methodical and going slow. I'm trying to hang on to a 'work' ethic of getting the job done rather than going off into mad writer headspace where the critic goes beserk and hurls insults freely that are of no use to me. It's a juggling act. Something else is emerging for me and that's worrying about time for writing. I think it's time for a lifestyle shake up as I really want to get going on the next novel idea. I never thought I'd be saying that.

Today is the day

2007-07-28T10:08:00.000Z

I've just got 2 new writing books through the post this morning - Self Editing for Writers by Renni Browne & Dave King plus The 38 most common fiction writing mistakes. I'm hoping they wil be my guides (along with the rumbling inner critic who's itching to get at my first draft) as I start proof reading as soon as I finish writing this and hanging out the washing and...No - no chores will be done today. I have the house to myself for several hours, a strong pot of coffee on the go, my maunuscript sitting nearby all clean and smooth and a stash of good pens. I'm nervous and excited. Tonight we're all off to see Die Hard 4 and have a meal out - that's my reward for a day of itense reading. I'm already worried about the number of times I've got 'She realised' in my novel and I'm not sure how to tackle that one. Hopefully a tactic will come to me.
Fingers crossed.

Shoe Hell

2007-07-26T13:11:00.000Z

Unfortunately I am not one of life's lucky shoe shoppers so I usually end up with a cupboard full of shoes that are rarely worn yet wistfully gazed at. I have bought, cheap, expensive, 'on sale', schols, homey peds, Dr Martens, shoes with inbuilt massage devices, flatties, tiny heel, platform - you name it - I own it! But all to no avail. I always end up getting twitchy in my shoes and wishing I was wearing someone elses shoes that look really comfortable

There is just something about my feet. They're not huge but they are wide and I do have an instep that you require certified climbing gear to ascend. These features mean that finding a shoe that fits is a hassle. When I got married two years ago I was determined to wear a flashy, dream pair of shoes and I found them in LK Bennets in the exact colour to match my dress and on sale!!! Perfect.

When I got them home I pranced around in them for all of 30secs before realising that my slippery instep wasn't going to hold them in place. Luckily my mother had flown 13,000 miles from Oz just to be standing there at the exact moment to say 'I have an idea of how we can fix this.' She lovingly sewed white elastic onto my gorgeous scarlet satin shoes to hold them in place. It was a good look. Fortunately my dress trailed the floor so only the toes peeped out. There were only a handful of us who knew what I really had under my dress.

When I walked down the aisle to stand next to my husband to be - he lent over and whispered 'I love your shoes'. I made the smart choice never to reveal the white elastic to him. It is one of our marriage's best kept secrets.

The one thing in life guaranteed to cause me enormous anxiety is if I know I'm going out for the day and the night with no chance to change my shoes between activities. If I know I can get back to the car I'll throw a couple of spare pairs in just in case. I know this is bordering on madness but I can't help it.

I'm already fretting about having to spend 4 days working in London in September when I'll be standing for hours on end and flip flops are not an option. If I'm ever disgustingly rich after I've done all the good and ethical things with my money I'm going to find a shoemaker and have them make me the perfect pair of shoes.

At the back of my cupboard the other day I found 5 shoes without partners - they are all favourites from years gone by that I've been unable to throw out even when there is only half a pair left. Sad I know. But I am ever hopeful.

Back from Holiday!

2007-07-25T13:44:00.000Z

Had a fantastic time on hols with my Aussie visitors. We did Stonehenge, Bath and Cheddar Gorge (yes it truly is the birthplace of the cheese!) in 5 days. It was an intensive, knackering and really fun break. I fell totally in love with Bath - there is such a great vibe to the place and I was really aware of all the different 'tribes' inhabiting the place. It was great to be in a pub at lunchtime and see people of all ages/styles in there - made it a fun place to people watch.

Our hotel was right in the centre of the city which made it very easy to get around though we were a bit alarmed to discover that our quiet hotel was next door to an underground nightclub which came to life between 11pm and 4am on the Saturday night. I was OK as I had earplugs and an eye mask but my fellow travellers were all bleary eyed at breakfast the next morning. I dutifully went to Boots and bought them all earplugs and eye masks - naturally the club didn't open on a Sunday!!!!!

We made it our aim to try as many of the pubs/restaurants as possible - I feel like I've put on a shocking amount of weight in a short space of time. It's back to the gym for me now our guests have gone and normal domestic services have resumed - which means no alcohol or chocolate from Tuesday to Friday and trying to get some sleep after sitting up late for many a night putting the world to right.

It's also back to my writing. My first draft of my novel 'Support Act' has lay dormant for over three weeks and I'm about to print it off and have my first read since finishing it. Scary and exciting!!!!

Off on Holiday!

2007-07-11T14:20:00.000Z

I'm off on holiday for a bit now - I have Aussies visitors so it's time to show them the sights - we have packed sunblock, raincoats, sunhats, umbrellas, swimmers...and coats!!!!

Must be a UK summer!!!!!

Does everyone run Errands?

2007-07-05T15:26:00.001Z

My guilty, cheap and quick pleasure is to peak at the people magazine celebrity gossip site. What really fascinates me is the number of mega stars who are featured there supposedly papped whilst out 'running errands'. I'm a little baffled by this - on the way hand I think if I had squillions in the bank I'd be paying someone to run my errands. For example - last Tuesday I had a list of 'errands' to run in my lunch hour - I spent twenty minutes queuing in the bank to have a 40second transaction with the cashier, then I spent 10mins queuing for a coffee, another five queuing in Boots and another 10 queuing to get out of the multi storey car park. So my questions is WHY would you want to do all that of you could pay someone to do it for you?????

Then you read about stars who say they like to do errands because it keeps them 'grounded' Really???????? That is a worry - the day I chose to spent 20mins in a bank staring at the floor because the guy in front of me in the que seems a little unhinged and I'm avoiding eye contact - is the day I'll know I've really lost the plot!!!

What I'd like is for stars to 'fess' up and tell us mere mortals what it's really like to be pampered and mega rich and if it's so boring that you have to run 'errands' to get your kicks then WOW I'll swap with them for a few days.

I write this surrounded by piles of washing, ironing and some strange, teeny little black bugs that are nesting away in my study. It's chucking it down outside - my To Do list is screaming at me and all I want to do is watch something mindless on TV but it's 4:35 and I have several more hours of work to do - running 'errands' would be a holiday compared to what surrounds me here in the home!!!!

Wild old day

2007-07-04T15:10:00.000Z

If it gets any windier here on the sunny south coast I'll start to worry about my fence again. Back in the winter we lost 2 massive panels of fencing that run between us and our neighbour and it cost a fortune to replace. We came home from work to discover that we 'shared' a garden and had also gained a dog! The neighbour's dog thought it was brilliant fun to have the run of around 200 feet of garden. The only one home at the time was our very pregnant neighbour who suddenly saw two huge panels of fence hurling towards her conservatory - luckily it didn't break the glass or cause early labor!

Ah well it is the kind of weather that is useless for tennis or drying washing (wind is good but it is now chucking it down with rain) but fabulous for thinking about the next steps after completing a first draft. I'm trying not to look at it this week but it is calling to me. I resist though - I want some distance. I'm not sure whether or not to start making notes for my next idea in the down time from novel number one. Having never been in this situation before I'm not sure if that would be a productive thing to do or if it would interfere with my 'pondering' novel number one. Hhhhmmmmm.

Winchester Writer's Conference

2007-07-02T12:28:00.000Z

What an amazing weekend! The confr was fantastic - it was such a friendly place and so many novelists and agents on hand willing to dispense advice and feedback. I have come home with the embryo of a plan for how I can write more and do paid work less. I'm about to go to my day job and sit in a 2 hour meeting and I'm really worried that I shall just daydream through it and be thinking about the rewrites I need to be doing on my novel.

Going there knowing I had finished a first draft of my novel the day before was just the best feeling. I was able to put my hand up high in lots of workshops when we were asked 'who has finished their novel' - that was a brilliant feeling!!! I got some amazing feedback which has made me desperate to get back to it and begin the 2nd draft but I'm going to leave it for 2-3 weeks and not even peak at it just so I can have some distance. It's quite good that the next 2 weeks are really busy work wise so there will be no opportunity for peeking!!!!

Big sigh as I must now go into the non writing world - really difficult to do after 3 days immersed in writing - it was just wonderful knowing that everyone around you was involved in writing and I met some lovely people and chatted for ages just about writing!!! I can really recommend the experience to any other writer.

Very Happy yo be home to a proper shower though - sleeping in uni halls of residence brings back my undergraduate days - which are fun to reflect one - but I was baffled as to how I ever washed my hair properly back then as the showers were just a trickle - it was lovely to get home to a proper shower and my own bed!!!!

I Did It !!!!!

2007-06-27T16:52:00.001Z

I can't believe I did it - I just finished a first draft of my first novel - I feel like I have RSI and I don't know whether to laugh, cry or scream. I haven't eaten properly for 2 days and I think I have bedsores from lying here typing. I also haven't left the house for 2 days so can't remember what fresh air feels like. I'm going straight out to buy a jiffy bag or box at staples and then off to Sainsbury's. I have a craving for Tuna, roasted vegetables and something chocolaty for dessert. My husband is due home from Scotland tonight so I feel I better make an effort and brush my hair or something!

Wow - feel like I have just run a marathon!!!!!!!

Slogging Away

2007-06-26T16:45:00.000Z

I'm still determined to make the Daily Mail contest deadline. I'm off to the Winchester writer's confr on Thur evening so I need to get my novel in the post by then. I'm on 76,000 words and it will be around 82,000 when done. It's been a really strange process as some of the sections are on their second and third drafts whilst others are still first and about 4,000 words are unwritten!!! I know what is going to happen just have to get it down. It's been good to have this deadline to aim for though otherwise I think I might have hung around and taken ages to finish it. It has really sharpened me up and given me a focus. The exciting bit though will be coming back to it in a couple of weeks and really begin to finish it. I'm looking forward to that. Off to have a break now though as I'm cross eyed and in need of sustenance!

Odd Start to the Day

2007-06-24T10:13:00.000Z

My Sunday started off in a strange manner. I woke up at 0630 - that in itself is odd enough as I am a night owl - but it was crippling stomach cramps that had disturned my dreams so I came down to the kitchen in search of drugs and a hot water bottle. I was standing at the kitchen sink getting a glass of water when a savage pain ripped through me and the next thing I knew I was waking up on the floor - I'd passed out and hit my head on a kitchen cupboard on the way down. It was really weird because I woke up on the floor smiling - feeling quite happy! Really freaky and then I realised I was on the floor with a bloody sore neck! Yelled out for the husband who came and rescued me.

I am now ensconced on the sofa still in my pyjamas 'looking after' a box of cadbury roses while the rest of the family have gone to the gym for some exercise and a late breakfast. One part if me is quite excited by the idea of having an excuse for lying here and watching a movie but I couldn't decide which one to watch so shall write for a bit instead and get the word count moving. I did have some good ideas after my little blackout and even wrote them down - well I haven't read them back yet but they seemed pretty good at the time!!!!

Phew and Frangapanis

2007-06-21T00:13:00.000Z

Finally managed to list all the novel racers on a side bar. Very proud of myself. I almost feel like I have a proper 'grown up' blog now! I had to post this gorgeous photo of frangapanis - my favourite flower on the whole planet. They're common in Oz and my mission is to try and grow them here in my garden on the south coast of England. This is quite a mission as I am also a novice gardener. They remind me so much of Oz that it would be quite wonderful to have them in my garden - the smell would transport me back to Sydney and it would be great to have them near by when homesickness strikes. Maybe one day I'll be posting a pic of my own frangapanis!!!

I mentioned that I had done a time management course last week and said I would post a few points from it. I had a couple of specific objectives for doing the course - one was to learn how to be more efficient with 'stuff' mainly paperwork - how to know what to file, what to bin and how to manage this process better so that I didn't find myself taking a week once a year to clear out the 'clutter' in my study. My other main objective was to learn some techniques for deciding what to do when and how to be ruthless with my time. You know when you have 8 things on your To Do list for the day and at the end of the day you still have 6 left and you have no idea where all the time went. I wanted to learn how to manage this problem.

There was quite a lot talked about on the day and some good books were recommended. One I particularly liked I ended up buying at Victoria station on the way home - I took it as an omen that there was only one copy left in the shop! I had read the first 70 pages on the 90 minute journey home. It is 'Getting Things Done' by David Allen. I'm currently trying a technique of his which helps you how to decide what to do from your 'Action/To Do' list with what you have available. His model is as follows:

1. Context - What do you need to actually undertake a particular action - for example returning a phone call means you need to have a phone to hand. If you don't then this is obviously not the time to be returning phone calls.

2. Time Available - If you only have 10mins then you can eliminate anything on your list that would take longer than this.

3. Energy Available - What are your energy levels currently like? Both mental and ohysical - again this will help you to work out what items you could achieve at present.

4. Priority - You answer all the above - see what items are still in the running and then use your gut instinct - pick one thing to do and get on with it!!!

I've been using this and it's been quite amazing. I have got a lot more things done - because he's given me a logical model and a system to follow. I like to have rules! It's great to do a course like this and actually come away and put some stuff into practice and see results instantly. The 'paperwork' issue is a work in progress but I am hopeful of changing my wicked ways! I know the points above are common sense but I find that sometimes I forget how to be efficient and I seem to forget it when I really, really need to be so.

I can do it...

2007-06-20T17:35:00.000Z

This is a quickie to say I am slowly adding all the novel racers to a sidebar. I'm doing it manually so it's taking a while but I can't figure out how to do it the smart way so shall have to do it the slow way - so bear with me -I will get you all on there!

Getting there

2007-06-12T15:50:00.000Z

Just a quickie post to say I'm so excited my word count is moving - it's a bit slow for my liking at the moment but at least it is moving and this is giving me energy to keep going. I'm off to London on thur to do an intenseive one day time managament course whihc I'm really looking forward to. I'm hoping it will give me some tricks and tips on how to get the most out of my day and create more time for writing! They just better not tell me to stop blogging or reading blogs - I couldn't do that - reading other writer's blogs and finding supportive comments on mine really keeps me going. I've also just received my copy of Wanna be a writer? which is full of really practical suggestions for finding time to write and so much more. Really loving it. Off to the gym to help keep 'writer's bum' from spreading any further!!!!!

Feeling Grounded

2007-06-06T15:04:00.000Z

I've started to read my novel from the beginning which I haven't done before and it's really helping me to get the final 15,000 words written. It's quite a bizarre process reading your own story. Sometimes I disappear into the story and then I get jolted out of it by sections that don't work. It's quite a challenge to work out why the bits that work - do so - and then try to use that information to inform how you 'fix' the bits that need fixing. Onwards!

Hooray!!!

2007-06-02T14:01:00.000Z

Finally my word count has moved on. I've had a bit of a writing epiphany (sounds very grand - really means I saw how complacent I'd been!!!!)and seem to have found focus again. My aim now is to keep it. I started my writing session today by reading from the start of my novel as I felt I'd lost touch with it. It was a really good thing to do because I haven't read a lot of this stuff for several months. It has really gotten me back into the flow of it and the aim now is to finish it - quickly!!!

What day is it?

2007-05-25T09:12:00.001Z

I'm trying to work out how it got to be Friday. This past few weeks - well the whole month really has gone by in a blur. I can't say I've enjoyed it as I constantly feel like I'm several steps behind where I need to be. I went for a massage on wed to the best masseuse in the whole world and I don;t exaggerate!!!! Emma has the hands of God as I imagne them to be. She offers up an amazing pounding that frees up knots and kinks but she also throws in a great spiritual element - this week is was tuning forks on my spine to free up energy and get my groove moving again!!!! I love it. It always takes a few days for everything to settle down so I think that by tomorrow I should feel the full effects. Because of my odd month I haven't written. Sometimes it really is bloody impossible to figure out where writing comes in a life that already has a full time job and a normal, full personal life. What is the role of writing in all this? Occassionally I think I have it figured out and I get a regualr routine going and then along comes a hectic month and it goes out the window and then I have to start all over again in a sense.

I've booked to go to the Winchester writers conference next month so I'm using that as a starting point and some time for me to think about how writing fits into my life. I'm not expecting a miracle - I just feel I need to be a bit braver about writing. It is important to me and I need to figure out how to keep it as part of my daily life - otherwise I will never get my novel finished or the next one started or my current short story finished or my idea for a poem begun...There has to be a soloution that doesn't involve getting up at 5am!!!!!!

Totally Knackered

2007-05-21T13:32:00.000Z

I've just had one of those weeks that go by in a blur and the only way you know you're going to make it through is by being super organised and keeping a close eye on what day of the week it is so you can make sure you're in the right place. I haven't written a singly word. I am so relieved that I made it through it and got all the work stuff done that I had too. But now I am shattered - I shall go to bed very, very early tonight. To add pressure to an already hectic week the tooth that the dentist filled last Monday has been aching and has required the popping of painkillers!!! I can't believe it - no fillings for 20 years then I have to have one because the dentist say so - not because I was in pain - and now the pain starts!!!! There is something seriously wrong with this scenario! I am going to be brave and ring him today - tooooooo depressing because I'll have to go back and sit in that chair with my blood pressure through the roof again - only this time I am in pain!!!!!!!

Dental Flashback

2007-05-14T09:02:00.000Z

I started the week with an early morning visit to the dentist for a filling. I haven't had one for about 20 years and because I wore braces as a teenager and had regular trips to the dentist I have a bit of a phobia about it. I sat there in their waiting room this morning with my heart pounding telling myself not to be such a ninny. I thought how ironic it would be if I dropped dead from stress in the pale green waiting room as classic FM attempted but failed to soothe me. My dentist is a very nice man with a very modern surgery so I should have been reassured. Naturally I had to confess to him that I was anxious and then I apologised for being anxious because he said that he gets upset when people tell him they are anxious. I'm sure I read once that dentists have a high rate of suicide or depression or maybe both. Other than being a plumber I can think of no worse occupation than being a dentist. I have three family members who are dentists and so far they seem fine. Well the filling went well - there was no pain but I just couldn't stop my heart from pounding and actually I now feel exhausted and could hop into bed and fall asleep - but it is Monday morning and there is much work to be done - maybe I can sneak in an afternoon siesta!

A Slump

2007-05-10T17:32:00.000Z

My word count has not moved. I think it's the bleak weather but I'm having a week of...well actually I'm having a busy work week and no time for writing - that is the truth. I have watched a bit of TV in the evening when I could have been writing but my brain has been a bit fried. Oh excuses, excuses. Just one of those weeks! I'll live with it and get cracking again shortly! I've been writing long enough now to know that the slump happens from time to time and sometimes it's external forces and sometimes it's internal. I've also learnt 'that this too comes to pass'. I'll be back in the writing saddle shortly. Once upon a time I would have thought that a slump meant that I would never write again but I'm past that point now - thank goodness!!! Anyway I've had a major personal project this week that has taken up time - working out how to get some downloaded music onto my MP3 player - it didn't want to play ball but I was determined as my music needed refreshing so I did some research online and solved the problem. I was rather chuffed with myself and now I have new music which has inspired me to hit the gym - so that was a good thing!

Bleak Monday

2007-05-07T15:54:00.000Z

Today was meant to be a gardening day but instead it's only 5pm and I'm in my pyjamas, tucked up on the sofa waiting for the central heating to kick in. Does this sound like spring? Not to me. Though the garden definitely believes it is and is in dire need of pruning and shaping - but not today. The wind and rain are lashing against the windows. It's definitely time for a glass of bubbly. It was meant to be the reward for a hard day's toil in the garden but what the hell - it's chilled now and just begging to be corked!

Where do you write?

2007-04-30T19:08:00.000Z

I'm always interested to know where people like to write. I indulged myself earlier this year with a new ultra sleek and light laptop so I could lie in bed and write without being burdened by my weighty old beast of a laptop that was very heavy. I also like to lie on the sofa or curled up in an armchair. I don't really like sitting at my desk when I'm writing creatively - it's ok for business type stuff but I like to sprawl. I have a friend who has a disused prison cell for her writing studio. The cells are rented out cheaply to writers, artists etc. She says it is very quiet - eerily so - but she loves it. I dream of having a little summer house at the bottom of my garden where I can escape to and write. There is a space for it and every summer I eye the space up and say 'this year'. I've been out there today sizing the plot up and I'm thinking 'definitely this year.'

Bubbles, Wine and a Good Read

2007-04-25T17:58:00.000Z

I was planning to go to the gym today but dipped out at the last minute - just couldn't face it. I'm going to lie in the bath instead with a glass of wine and read a new collection of short stories I got today by Sarah Salway - Leading the Dance http://www.sarahsalway.com/I shall then catch up on a few episodes of ER - my indulgence on the side - whilst the house is empty. I have a big bar of chocolate chilling in the fridge to accompany this part of the evening. Hormonal moi???? Absolutely!!!! I did write about 600 word today so feel pleased about that and did tidy up all the clothes I have left strewn around the bedroom in the past few days as I've been going through the 'I have nothing to wear that '- A - fits me, B - fits the occasion, or C - fits the season. Definitely hormonal!!!!!

Streaky legs

2007-04-24T10:01:00.000Z

Does anyone else ever have this problem I wonder? I have really pale skin that is a range of different tones depending on where you look. My face is simply pale with cheeks that go rosy - my legs are luminous white and my arms are blotchy white. Last summer I decided that I could stand it no longer and wanted to enjoy at least one summer with a tan - so off I went to have a spray tan - it was a thoroughly unglamorous experiecne being sprayed like a used car getting a second chance at life and the result was... well it was hilarious. I didn't leave the house for 36 hrs afterwards as I didn't want to scare small children. So I won't be doing that again. This summer I'm trying the Dove 'glow' gradual moisturising tan - the colour is lovely but I can't seem to get my legs the same colour all over. Can't decide if it's better to be white or blotchy brown?